Perfectionism

So, as a first-born child I inherited the trait of perfectionism. Interestingly enough that often comes as a double-edged sword with depression. Since no one is perfect there is always this spiral downwards: 'you messed that up, why even bother, you can't do anything right,' etc. I've had these thoughts before, and I've gone through some periods in my life where I was very depressed, especially in high school. In the book I'm currently reading (The New Birth Order Book), Dr. Leman writes that, "Discouraged perfectionists are often stubborn, opinionated, and strong-willed types who become known for telling it like it is." And I think that fit me to a T when I entered undergrad. Man did I have some growing up to do! I alienated so many people in my first year at Penn State, and I am very sorry now for this behavior. However, I think that my time at Penn State broke some of my perfectionist behavior (though not all). Mostly I learned that it was ok not to be number 1. In high school my dad pushed me to be the top of my class, and that was not a bad thing. I was capable of achieving the goal, and the pursuit of excellence is a good thing. However, upon arriving at PSU I learned that it wasn't so easy to be the top of the class, and I kind of gave up trying. I hit an all time low when I achieved only one 'A' on my transcripts second semester second year. I was in the 'why even try?' mind-set. Then I realized that even if I wasn't going to be the top of my class I'd better learn the material and make my time and the money that others were spending on my education worth it. With this renewed resolve I pulled my GPA up substantially, but for the right reasons. I wasn't trying to be the best, I was trying to do my best. I think I've transferred the pursuit of excellence in the classroom, versus the pursuit of perfection, to vet school as well. I prefer 'As' but I'll settle for 'Bs' if necessary. The thing that I haven't gotten over yet is my 'telling it like it is.' Generally I push it off as sarcasm, but I really do think most of the things that come out of my mouth, whether I know they're ridiculous or not. So, that's what I've been working on lately, trying to be less sarcastic and really think about things before they come out of my mouth. I've been reading Proverbs too, and I'm really trying to be wise and have understanding. It's not gonna be easy and I can't do it by myself, but I keep praying and God will eventually get me straightened out.