Sensitivity

So, I believe that I am much more sensitive than a lot of people know. I was having a conversation with my brother yesterday when I had a small epiphany......... I don't like getting hurt, so I build a really tall wall around my heart with most people. In fact, I've determined this is probably why I am so sarcastic with people. When it starts getting 'real' I bail. If you've ever experienced this you might have noted this as a period of time where I'm distant, aloof, and generally not myself. Depending on the situation I may return to our old friendship, or I may never get over my disappointment. It happens all the time though; it seems if I'm friends with someone long enough there just comes a point where they get tired of my goofiness and snap at me, which in turn leads me to retract........... My brother gave me the solution though........... just leave......... which goes back to the statement I made in my previous post, isolation is not a solution.

But maybe I just need to really work on taking down my shields instead. Maybe I need to be more willing to open myself up to pain. I do well with physical pain, maybe I can handle more emotional pain as well. "Life is pain." (to quote on of my favorite movies, The Princess Bride). It is possible that opening oneself up to the possibility of pain is when we really get to grow. Otherwise we sit in a stagnant pool of our own filth just knocking on heaven's door......... We were not designed for comfort...... Our purpose is more complex than satisfying our earthly needs and desires.

One of the things I hate most is the loss of sensation associated with novicane............ but I've been leading my life with an emotional novicane drip............. WHY? The sarcasm shields need to come down, I need to burn, I need to have passion, rage, joy, tears............ I don't want to sit idly in my shit filled bathtub anymore. Bring on the criticism........... and dear Lord help me grow!

Regret

Each of us has our regrets. Life cannot be lived without mistakes. Not always do these mistakes qualify as regrets; in fact many mistakes teach us valuable lessons that help our lives improve, but this still leaves a modest few that make us really wish we had made different choices. Of course the past cannot be changed, so there is really no point in dwelling on our regrets, but this if often easier said than done. Sometimes the tiniest mistakes haunt us the most. For example, I put ice into a cooler full of hot tea and diluted it out so much that it was ruined for everyone, only to realize later that it was intended to be served hot........... It's not so much the mistake itself that bothers me, I wouldn't even think twice about it if someone else had made it, it's really the fact that I affected many people because I didn't fully think my actions through. Those are the things I regret the most, the actions that I make with unintended consequences for other people. I try to get through life with as little imposition to others as possible. It's funny, I realize the easiest way to do this would be to have as little interaction with others as possible, but then there are other issues with this........ I do not suggest seclusion as a solution to regret, that will just lead to different regrets. At this point, I think I just consider it important to think about our choices in respect to their possible impact on others before we make them.