Sensitivity

So, I believe that I am much more sensitive than a lot of people know. I was having a conversation with my brother yesterday when I had a small epiphany......... I don't like getting hurt, so I build a really tall wall around my heart with most people. In fact, I've determined this is probably why I am so sarcastic with people. When it starts getting 'real' I bail. If you've ever experienced this you might have noted this as a period of time where I'm distant, aloof, and generally not myself. Depending on the situation I may return to our old friendship, or I may never get over my disappointment. It happens all the time though; it seems if I'm friends with someone long enough there just comes a point where they get tired of my goofiness and snap at me, which in turn leads me to retract........... My brother gave me the solution though........... just leave......... which goes back to the statement I made in my previous post, isolation is not a solution.

But maybe I just need to really work on taking down my shields instead. Maybe I need to be more willing to open myself up to pain. I do well with physical pain, maybe I can handle more emotional pain as well. "Life is pain." (to quote on of my favorite movies, The Princess Bride). It is possible that opening oneself up to the possibility of pain is when we really get to grow. Otherwise we sit in a stagnant pool of our own filth just knocking on heaven's door......... We were not designed for comfort...... Our purpose is more complex than satisfying our earthly needs and desires.

One of the things I hate most is the loss of sensation associated with novicane............ but I've been leading my life with an emotional novicane drip............. WHY? The sarcasm shields need to come down, I need to burn, I need to have passion, rage, joy, tears............ I don't want to sit idly in my shit filled bathtub anymore. Bring on the criticism........... and dear Lord help me grow!