Frustrations

Why is it that I always seem to start blog posts late at night when I want to be/ should be sleeping already? I'm really not sure I have an answer for that, but maybe it's because I get so frustrated by the day's events, or my inability to resolve an issue, that I just need to get it out before I can head off to sleep. Maybe it's something like the old saying among married couples that they should never go to sleep angry. Maybe that's where I am, but within my soul there is torment rather than betwixt soul mates. Lately I've been really angry. Not with anyone, but just a deep burning anger. I can't seem to quench it. It's like I know I have a problem and need to do something about it, but I don't want to; or maybe I just can't. Of course, I know that can't isn't really true (in my head), but it's like maybe I'm trying to wait until I feel such a deep anger that it will forever scar me.
I went on a walk tonight and tried to ask myself why I couldn't just change, and the answer that kept appearing was, I just don't care, I just don't care. And I ask myself why, and I don't know why. But I need to figure it out, this isn't going to work for much longer, I can't keep living this charade. People ask if I'm ok, but I don't want to talk about it, or want them to worry about me. I just want them to go on living their lives without my problems, so I tell them I'm fine, nod and smile and give them reassurance that they need not worry.
I worry it's because I have no love for others. I feel as though my life is just a sponge saturated with the love that I have acquired for myself. Oh my life is so selfish. It's like I have no other motivation in life than to gain another's satisfaction so that they will bestow their affection on  me; and when they loose interest I feel dejected and lonely. Why must every motive be to please me? Why can't I be satisfied with mutual reciprocity? Or better still, why can't I love others with no expectations of anything in return? A Christ-like love.......