Can I still go to heaven?

Lately God has been stressing the effects of depression in my life. Not only do I struggle with periods of depression from time to time, but a lot of Christians do, and there seems no outlet. Everything seems hopeless. Despair and overwhelming pain make me want to curl into a little ball. And while I know suicide isn't the right answer, at times it is very tempting. I mean, God says that the only unforgivable sin is blasphemy of the Holy Spirit, and suicide isn't that, so maybe there's a chance of heaven if I take that way out??? But then I hear God; He says "child, is my love not enough?" And I want to scream, "but You don't understand." But He does, He knows every temptation. And He's angry, angry that the church would let its members come to the point where they think suicide is the only option. You see, God is love. Yes, periods of suffering are expected in life, but the kind of suffering that brings you to suicide is not brought about from trials that are meant to refine us. I mean, here are some examples of how God views trials:

James 1:2 Count it all joy, my brothers,when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

1 Peter 1:6 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, 7 so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

So, if the end result of our struggle is suicide, can that temptation provide perfection and completeness, or result in praise, honor, and glory for Christ? There is obviously a lack of endurance here. So what I think God has been trying to reveal to me is that there's a pressure in the church that we've put upon our members to be perfect. Perfection, however, is not achievable here on earth. And yes, though God wishes us to be holy (Romans 12:1 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship; 1 Peter 1:15 but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, 16 since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”), it is not humanly possible to achieve on earth.

I think this struggle may be especially hard for some of us that grew up in the church. We never rebelled. We went to church every Sunday. We believed though, because our parents told us this was right. We never learned for ourselves what the grace of God truly meant. Yes, we know we sinned, but in comparison to the world they seem like little sins, 'acceptable sins.' And we would forgive someone for those sins, so why wouldn't God? So never having fully understood and accepted the grace of God with the massive gratitude we should have, we don't grow quickly. We're like the little calf on poor quality milk replacer, getting enough to survive, but unable to thrive, and grow, and strengthen. Sure, we make some gains here and there, but something vital is missing. However, we've grown up in this isolated world, and all our close friends and family expect us to be good little girls and boys because we've had so much time to grow in Christ. And we never measure up, especially in our own minds. We know the depths of the sin and depravity that we carry around in our hearts and we are unable to overcome the thoughts that we are inadequate, that we should be more. Everyone praises the outward appearance, because of course we are doing everything we can to show the world around us that we are fine. If they knew that we were struggling they wouldn't understand. They'd dismiss it with a wave of the hand or stroke of the tongue. "Well don't you know that God tells you this" or "don't say stuff like that." Well, you know what? I do know that God says that, and I'm probably telling you because I need some help, but obviously you don't want to take the time to understand.

It isn't easy. We were built for community, and when we don't have that, or feel like we have that, it's very discouraging. It seems that someone is always judging; and you know what, God didn't make us judges. Instead He calls us to have compassion one for another (1 Peter 3:8 Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. 9 Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing; Ephesians 4:32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.)

So if you're struggling with depression, don't continue to let it consume you from the inside out, keeping your outer defenses so strong that the battering rams can't make a dent. Find someone to share your struggles with and ask them for help. And if you see someone in need of help be compassionate, you don't need to be their judge. In fact, they probably have a worse view of themselves than they should already, and what they really need is grace. Let's stop trying to act like the statement "I'm a Christian" makes us perfect and holy, and try to make a better effort to be a church with compassion and tenderheartedness. In the words of Jesus, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her." (John 8:7b)