Wake up and grow

I've just had a small revelation, and haven't had the time to fully flush it out. In part, I realized that likely the biggest reason that I feel so inadequate (and therefore so unlikely) to share the gospel is because I haven't the understanding. As it is written "For when for the time ye ought to be teachers, ye have need that one teach you again which be the first principles of the oracles of God; and are become such as have need of milk, and not of strong meat" Heb 5:12. In order to get the understanding I must study. But studying proves to be a difficult task for me, for if I have no coming exam I am loath to study. However, I do like to share with others the knowledge that I spend time studying. (Ask my father, he knows I could talk one's ear off.) But the questions I may be likely asked are deep and profound, and require understanding to answer. Therefore, it will be no easy task to "Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth" (2 Tim 2:15) -something a friend lovingly suggested I try a few years ago. For as it is quoted by Miss Elizabeth in a movie I recently re-watched "I do not play this instrument so well as I would wish to, but I have always supposed that to be my own fault because I would not take the trouble of practicing." For can we blame God for our ignorance when it is in our power to unveil His truths? He has provided us with a foundation, if we only choose to build upon it.

I am chief among sinners

 I do not understand the propensity to sin

Its vain pleasures so fleeting

And its treasures so unrewarding, as to appear hollow and devoid

And yet they draw me nigh and entrap my very soul

What have I to gain by any such pleasures, and yet my will is weak

I cannot, and will not, be allowed to seek after the true fount of pleasure

I am distracted by the finite while the infinite rests not inches away

Where can I go to hide my shame?

With whom can I share my great burden?

How can I seek forgiveness for my vast and perverse sin?

Whose nature is not to be revealed for worry of disownment.

Or worse, for judging glances to be passed

For my sins are great and my virtues few

And those who know my virtues think them greater than they are, for I am a good prevaricator

And rather more, I spin my life as a farce, so that all may believe my deficits less genuine

But rather, that they would think them part of a horrid ruse

To think myself capable of such debauchery, I wish not

But to hide the truth from one’s own self, how deep the lie must go

Only turmoil can come of this

Returning to one’s innocence, the impossible, but soul felt desire

For something more could be made of a life, if just some aspiration could be manifest

And yet, no dreams are even on the horizon

A ship sailing to the edge of a cliff, with what more to give?

Only having ever stolen in one’s life, never to have given in genuine

Who can reverse the ways of a man?

Who can steer the ship aright?

In such desperation, can a man think straight to grab hold of the rock or set anchor?

Lest he go on sailing toward disaster

Of which one can be certain if the course remains unaltered.

Life offers little forgiveness, and the proud are unaccustomed to receive it

But this is their one chance for grace

A beacon calling them home, under the atonement of the shed blood of Christ

Life’s heavy blows are certain to persist, but easy is the burden when you share your yoke with Jesus