Thoughts about Marie

So, I'm down here in FL, staying with my cousin Marie for the summer, which prompted me to try to remember everything I could about Marie. So, I was thinking back and I remember her old boyfriend Chase, I'm not sure how vividly, but I think I remember doing I Spy books with him. Then the next thing I remember is a Christmas party. Marie bought us Christmas presents and I remember I felt bad because we didn't get anything for her. However, she got me this bright blue shirt with Minnie Mouse on the front. Minnie had a big pink bow in her hair and yellow shoes. I also remember the first time I met her boyfriend Scott (now husband). He had long brown hair that hung down in little ringlets. I don't think I had ever seen a guy with hair that long before and I thought it was kind of strange. Eventually he cut it all off and gave it to locks of love (I think it was 32" stretched, though I can't be sure). He looked like a totally different person without the hair. So when they had a bridal shower for Marie I went, it was at Pat and Janelle's house. My mom got her a Betty Crocker cookbook and I remember thinking that was one of the best presents my mom had ever given someone because it was actually useful. I also learned that Scott has no middle name at the shower. I also went to the wedding, I remember there were ponds and Tenny Corbet was the minister (which I thought was strange because neither of them went to our church where he was the preacher). At the reception the first song they played was Love Shack, and I sat with my cousin Martha. I think they had cameras on all the tables to help capture the memories. Martha ordered her and I some kind of virgin drink from the bar and her mom got mad because we 'looked like we were drinking' and she took them away and threw them out, which was kind of upsetting, especially since I'm sure my mom wouldn't have made a big deal about it. I think Marlys was particularly upset because her older boys were taking advantage of the open bar, as well as some of my other cousins, and getting quite drunk and obnoxious, which she didn't like. (little did she know that her younger boys, that didn't come to the wedding, were taking advantage of the alcohol that Doc had at his house) So my next memory of Marie was at a baby shower, I think for Maggie. I sat with my mom, aunt Joy, and cousin Ruth. Ruth had a gray hair I made fun of, the lasagna was vegetarian (eew), and Joy got Marie a fabric sling type thing that could be used to carry the baby and breast feed more privately, etc. There were shower games and I think one was coming up with a phrase to go with a word and then seeing if they matched Marie's. I think my mom got the one for 'blue', 'blue swede shoes.' I also remember when Marie visited and Jonas was a baby. She got me an eeyore shirt and shorts, the shorts I still wear for pj's, though they're getting pretty tattered. They didn't stay very long, but Jonas took a nap on my bed with my eeyore pillow. The next time I saw them was in Canada when Jonas was learning to swim but was scared of the lake. I braided Maggie's hair and we played with frogs and took lots of pictures. In '09 I was in MT and Marie, Scott and the kids came to visit. Jonas loved Molly and Quilla. We went to lunch at the Butcher's Nook and I 'put Jonas upsidedown.' And now I'm here in Orlando watching kids during the day, so that's pretty much my thoughts on Marie.

So.... I can't sleep

So, I can't sleep, and I figured the best way to get drowsy is to write down all the crazy thoughts that have been racing through my mind down so that I don't feel the need to keep running them through over and over. First off, I thought I'd try running through the bible verses I'm trying to memorize this summer. Our Sunday school class is challenged with learning Hebrews 11. There are 40 verses and I think I have the first 8 down, so a fifth of the way there, yahoo! So, that didn't get me too tired and I decided that maybe I should pray, I never do that enough. Somewhere in Romans it says pray constantly, but lately I've been struggling to even want to talk to God at all. I'm worried, I know that we have only to believe that Christ has died for us to atone for our sins and we will be forgiven, and that fact I never really doubt, but in my human mind I struggle with so many other things. For one, how can anyone know that what they believe is true. Simply, there are so many small variations in Christian theology, and everyone believing that their interpretation is most correct, how close do we need to be to the truth in order to get to heaven? And then I think, I don't deserve heaven, and I don't want something I don't deserve (I know, don't throw someone's gift back at them, but that's just how my human mind works, I can't really change that). However, I don't want to go to hell either, so my mind naturally says, I wish I didn't exist (I know, again throwing back a gift of God). And then I blame my parents, why did they have to have sex! And then I blame God again, why did he have to create me! And then I think of suicide, but there again, I believe that to be a sin and very nearly unforgivable, so I'm mad at God again! So I think to myself, I don't ever want to have children, so they aren't forced to make good decisions and live for God in order to go to heaven, but then I think about God's word where he says that children are a blessing, so am I sinning further by not wanting kids? (this is not really an issue at this point since I don't have a husband, and thus any possibility of children) However, it's a struggle, and I suppose reading my bible would help, but that's just the last thing I want to do, and maybe that's Satan trying to sabotage my relationship with Jesus, but regardless the bible reading is not happening and there's no one pushing me to do it, so it's unlikely to change.

Ok, so most of that did not actually go through my mind earlier, rather, when I start to pray my mind tends to wander. I think it wanders quite frequently, but I notice it most when I try to pray because I start and then I end up on some completely different thought and never get to the amen, and then I think, wasn't I supposed to be praying? Anywho, next my mind went to Canada, we won't discuss how (that's too embarrassing to put out there for the world to read). So, I was thinking about my last trip there and remembering seeing Jon. I don't know if there's an earlier post about him, or how much detail I included, so I'll just summarize. When I was 13 I went to Canada with my family and my friend Heather. Jon was cute, and I was at that stage in life where I thought guys were cute, but still just wanted to be friends. So, (I don't know why I would do this, I certainly wouldn't do anything remotely like this now) I came down to the campfire on my first night there and started hitting Jon with a foam noodle (you know the one's you swim with). Then I started pretending that the noodle was a penis and teasing him that my penis was bigger than his. (???) So that was his first impression of me (I'm sure I would run the other way if someone acted like that the first time I met them). My cousin's Martha and Ruth were also in Canada that week. Martha was more Jon's age (he was 16), and Jon seemed to be into her, but not vice versa, and Ruth was into Jon, but he was definitively not reciprocating. So of course we teased Ruth for liking Jon, though I myself was doing much the same. So Jon had this shirt (I don't remember it, but Heather told me about it in discussing the events afterward), 'instant romeo, just add beer', and that just about summarized him. What I really remembered was this gold chain he wore, I don't remember how it broke, but it did and it was funny, he went out and bought a new one in the middle of the week. I remember making fun of him for wearing it, especially for feeling the need to replace it almost immediately. Actually, he was in a lawn chair in on the beach sunning himself while I was poking fun at the chain (which if I had any sense at all, and I didn't back then, would have been a sign). I actually think I was calling it a necklace and he a chain, because I thought it seemed kind of girly. So, other events of the week included continuing to pretend that the foam noodles were penises while we jumped off the docks, carrying Jon piggy back across the beach, which he didn't believe I could do, and playing king of the tube in the lake, where I tried to use the pocket's of Jon's swim trunks to climb up over him (I think it was just and excuse to touch him, a bunch of us kids were trying to pull ourselves to the top of an inter-tube and push off anyone else that was trying to get up). We also went to watch a movie and I was sitting next to Jon (and apparently very tired) and fell asleep with my head in his lap. Heather told me later that he didn't think I was sleeping, but rather had just laid my head there to watch the movie, however, I can tell you that I honestly just fell asleep, no designed plans. A group of us also went rock climbing one afternoon, and I was really hoping Jon would come, but he didn't, and I was disappointed. Looking back I can see that I was really infatuated with that boy. So, while we were there Heather kept telling me that she didn't like Jon, and I was so blinded by my infatuation that I started ignoring her very presence in hopes to spend more time with Jon and I started getting very annoyed with her. So the last night several of us kids decided to sleep on the beach. Martha started out on the big inter-tube and I think Jon wanted to join her, but she wanted none of that, so I told him he could sleep on the outside of my sleeping bag while I was sleeping inside (I was smaller back then, so there was actually room for this). So we lay there looking at the stars and talking. I don't remember what I said, probably just agreed with him, cause that's what you do when you're trying to impress. So what I do remember was that he talked a lot about old girlfriends, and I thought, what kind of guy talks to another girl about past girlfriends, and he also dissed on Heather, which I'm not proud to say I know I agreed with him. (This is probably why I was so mad at Heather on the car ride home, I think it was probably the lowest point in our friendship, though I'm not sure she knew this, I wasn't sure I wanted to be friends anymore. Hopefully I never let a guy do that to a friendship again.) I think there was also some hunting talk added in since he liked hunting and I did too. This reminds me that I had actually had a brief encounter with him the previous year when he and his dad were down to hunt with my uncle Pat and I had to stay the night so my aunt Janelle could drive me into school with my broken ankle (which brings up so many more memories that I'm not going to go into right now). I'm fairly sure we might of exchanged 'hi's' before we went to bed. So back to the story, at some point he had his hand on my stomach and was rubbing it, and I'm not sure why I didn't stop him, but I didn't. Actually I remember exactly what I was wearing, a black sleeveless shirt with a heart and two wings and the word angel written in the middle and these short purple nylon shorts with a white flower embroidery. The shirt was on the short side too, so I think he had his hand directly on my stomach (which was much flatter then, no guy would be feeling up my stomach now). Then out of the blue, at least it seemed to me, he asked if I would kiss him to which I replied, 'no that's disgusting', and turned away from him in my sleeping bag. After a minute or so I asked him why he had asked me that and he said that someday I would want to. Which leads me to my earlier revelation. This happened when I was 13 years old and I will be turning 23 this month, so it's coming up on 10 years ago, and it's still so vivid in my memory. The thought went through my mind that if I ever see him again I should ask him if he remembers that week at all, and another thought, why haven't I moved way past this. He was the first, and only guy thus far to ask me to kiss him. I wonder if he would find that interesting, that I've still never kissed a soul. And finally, what would have happened if I had kissed him, would that have been the only kiss I'd've had so far, would I be dwelling on a kiss, remembering that in detail? He was obviously a douche, so I made the right choice, but the fact that this is now a 10 year old memory just kind of smacked me in the face tonight.

There was another thought about all my memories of Marie that I intended to share, but I think I'm tired now and this is long enough, so I'm posting without proofing. G'night!

Update

Nothing spectacular to talk about really, but I thought I could give an update on my television addiction. I've now been clean for 2 weeks, but I have read a few online articles related to certain shows, so I've got to watch myself there. I think it might also be negatively affecting my studying. I had my worst test this semester on Friday and it could be related to the lack of my stress relief, but I'm willing to suffer some unappealing grades in a pursuit to follow Jesus. I'm sure eventually I'll find a more fulfilling stress reliever. Maybe I could use running, I've done that before with some success. I just need to get myself into a good schedule. I'll keep working on this and get back to you with the results. On another note, the board to determine the army HPSP scholarship recipients is scheduled for Wednesday, so I'm trying to keep that in prayer, though I have trouble keeping from being distracted. I'm sure that whatever the result, I can trust that God will take care of me, it would just be less stressful for me right now if God were to provide this funding for my education. However, my good friend Ken is also hoping for the scholarship and though it would be nice if we could both receive it, it may be that only one of us (or possibly neither of us) will get it, and I will be alright if I don't receive the scholarship. God has never let me down yet, He's always there for me through life's disappointments. That said, prayer towards a goal that can be used for God's service is never a bad thing, so if you read this before Wednesday you could keep the decisions of the board members in prayer; that what they decide would be used to promote the proclamation of the gospel to all the world.

Boredom

Wow, how empty my life is without tv. So, knowing that I'm addicted to television I am trying to stop cold turkey (this is the only option that has a chance). I know that it's a huge waste of my time and I need to learn to be a better steward of what God has given me. Thus, what I should do is find projects that would please God in order to fill this time. However, I am having problems being motivated to do this. Instead I am rechecking my email and facebook constantly. I have also gotten up the motivation to go for a nice walk on this fine Kansas day, but that's really not very productive either. In fact, I walked to school, meant to pick up a glove so I could try to express some anal sacs and got so distracted organizing old tests that I completely forgot the glove. I have a real struggle keeping my mind on track long enough to remember what I'm doing (hope it's not a sign of things to come). Anyway, that's the biggest reason I'm posting right now, just to fill a void in time that I would normally spend on tv, but which I'm choosing not to. I think the biggest reason I am unwilling to do stuff is that the things which I should be doing all involve school, and I just hate doing things for school unless they are super interesting, of which none of the options are. Therefore, I will sit here at my computer bored for another hour or so until I work up the motivation to do something else. So much for becoming a good steward of my time.

The Creation of a Value System

It saddens me greatly that we have to go about making laws that should never have to be made in order to protect people who shouldn't need protecting. For example, child labor laws. Who would have ever thought that when this country was founded that children could become little better than slaves in their own families. What happened to the value of an education? In the early colonies, especially Pennsylvania, education was of utmost importance. Colonists wanted their children to be able to read the bible for themselves. Ironically, from our perspective in this age of separation of church and state, most early school houses also served as the community church. The education that children received in this setting was extremely bible based. This helped teach morals, obedience, and character. It is no wonder with the curriculum that is taught these days that children don't respect their parents. We tell them to question authority all the time, and we show them that what they want, no matter how awful, is truth for them, and so they are allowed to pursue it. Why do we teach skepticism to children, why do we lie to them? Our society could be a much more honest one if we didn't do this. Our children are not born good, they are born sinful. If we don't teach them proper morals the society will collapse upon itself because there will be no one willing to do for others, all instead working only to satisfy themselves. This brings about a problem, a society cannot function without some common moral values, therefore a basis in science has been substituted. While there is nothing inherently wrong with science, it was created by God, using a portion of God's creation as a substitute for Him will never work properly. Morality can not be procured from science, only from God.

Check out this link my cousin John discovered. http://www.senate.mo.gov/11info/pdf-bill/intro/SB222.pdf

It is just upsetting to think that we have to have laws determining the length of meal periods and that people would be willing to put children in harms way for monetary gain. What has this country come to? Where have our morals gone?

Did you know?

Our system of government was founded on the bible. The check and balance system, with its three components, the judicial, legislative, and executive branches, comes straight out of Isaiah 33:22 "For the LORD is our judge, the LORD is our lawgiver, the LORD is our king; it is he who will save us."

A free economy, such as we have can only flourish if the people are of high moral character. As Benjamin Franklin put it, "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters. ~ April 17, 1787." Virtue being: a trait that is morally excellent. So, as the basis for our free economy lies in moral behavior, likewise moral behavior has its foundations in the bible. As I eluded to in my last blog post, what has the atheist to pull morality from? And if from himself, and each man pulls together his own form of morality, who is to say whose morality is more correct? Thus each man will do what is best for himself, dragging down a free economy because each man is trying to take what he has not earned. Americans have learned that they can loot the piggy bank to pad their pockets and it is leading to the failure of government. Ben Franklin could see this eventuality from the country's creation, as he states, "I've lived, Sir, a long time, and the longer I live, the more convincing Proofs I see of this Truth - That God governs in the Affairs of Men. And if a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without his Notice, is it probable that an Empire can rise without his Aid? We have been assured, Sir, in the Sacred Writings, that except the Lord build the House they labor in vain who build it. I firmly believe this, - and I also believe that without his concurring Aid, we shall succeed in this political Building no better than the Builders of Babel: We shall be divided by our little partial local interests; our Projects will be confounded, and we ourselves shall become a Reproach and Bye word down to future Ages." Our government was not set up so that a non-Christian leadership could be at the helm. When everyone is spending money on their own little pet projects, and no one is putting any money back into the system, it is no wonder that our nation is bankrupt. Morality in government flew out the door as early as the 1850s and the continued bad decisions of generations have finally caught up with us. There is no one particular president to blame, but rather a slow erosion of our nation's morality which has lead to our current debacle. The big problem is, without a foundation, such as the bible, the state has nowhere from which to pull its basis of good and evil, and a state with no moral compass is a very dangerous thing. 1 Peter 2: 16-17 tells us, "Submit to every human institution because of the Lord, whether to the Emperor as the supreme authority, or to governors as those sent out by him to punish those who do evil and praise those who do good." When the state is not representing good and evil for what they truly are then how can we expect true justice and good decision making? How can we, as Christians, submit to an authority which has no basis in God's Truth, and is thus promoting evil and punishing good?

In my estimation, and really who am I to jump to such conclusions, America will fall as a world power. (It would really only take such an event as a shut off of our oil imports.) What really saddens me is that after America falls, there will be no other country founded on Christian principles for the world to look to for an example. In this case it will be easy for the countries of the world to be led into darkness. But, such events as are prophesied in Revelations must take place, and so I see that such an occurrence is an inevitability. However, "we know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those that are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28)

World View

Question: Why do so many people who cling to the theory of evolution seem to make such a concentrated effort to "go green"?

I have no problem with being environmentally conscious. In fact I think that God has set us as stewards of the earth (Genesis 1:26), so we have every responsibility to keep it healthy in order that it can serve further generations. In fact, God was very displeased with Jerusalem when they defiled the land which God had given them. Jeremiah 2:7 "I brought you into a fertile land to eat its fruit and bounty, but after you entered, you defiled My land; you made My inheritance detestable." As Christians we are called to serve God's will, which means caring for the people around us. (Mark 12:31 "Love your neighbor as yourself"; Matthew 25:40 "What you did for the least of these brothers of Mine, you did for Me"). It is important to remember Psalm 24:1 "The earth is the Lords and everything in it, the world and its inhabitants, belong to the Lord." Therefore when we destroy the earth we have God to answer to because we are destroying His property. Can we honestly call ourselves Christians if we are serving our fleshly desires in pursuit of material gain? Luke 16:13 "A man cannot be the slave of two masters, since either he will hate one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You can't be slaves of both God and money." It is amazing to me how often "Christians," as men label themselves, can put their own personal interests (on earth no less), above God's. I recently made myself a sign to help me remember what is truly important, "success: putting God's will above your own." I think this is something that we need to really remind ourselves of on a daily basis, and to evaluate the reasons we are making the decisions we are, because Romans 14:23 says that "everything that is not from faith is sin." At this point I think I have made it clear that God expects us to use the earth and its resources wisely.

Now to get back to the original question. Why, when someone believes that the world has spent thousands of years evolving, does one think that man can bring about the destruction of the earth? To that end, why does he care, what is his inherent interest in saving the earth? On what grounds can he stake his claims? Where do his definitions of good and evil come from? Can there even be good and evil? In this too, why does he go on living; what is the purpose of life? What can possibly give life meaning if all that one is is the product of random mutation? You can't claim that you are trying to make the earth better. First, from where can you discern your definition of better? More to the point, you can truly only be adding to a faster destruction of the earth by continuing to live and consume its resources. To this point I ask, if there is no goal, and random evolution is occurring, why does it matter if the earth is destroyed and becomes void of life. Who would care? If it's not someone's creation then why do we strive so intently to see it succeed. If it happened once it can happen again. Moreover, if the evolution of man was a mistake in this random process, won't it work itself out? If man cannot be sustained on earth as it is, evolution will wipe us out and continue on in a different direction. I mean, if the earth had been around for billions of years I hardly believe one species could entirely destroy it within a few thousand. Once the earth could no longer sustain human life this species would die out, possibly with several other species; the earth would then go through a period of regeneration and new species would evolve. That's a legitimate supposition from an evolutionary perspective. So why are evolutionists working so hard to "make something of themselves" and "save" the earth?

A final point, if it were all just a random occurrence what would be the point of studying it? There would be no patterns to discern. I think this is what truly screams there is a creator. As God said in Psalm 19:1 "The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky proclaims the work of His hands." And as a call to Christians to declare the works of God, Luke 19:40 "If they were to keep silent, the stones would cry out."

This really should be a different post, but I don't feel like making one right now:

On another note, as Christians, can we stop going around condemning those around us? Can't you see that that changes nothing and just breeds opposition? God is the judge and we are the sinners. Psalm 96:13 "The Lord is coming to judge the earth. He will judge the world with righteousness, and the peoples with His truth." Matthew 7:5 "Hypocrite! First take the log out of your eye and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." Would you listen to someone you didn't respect as they yelled in your face? Doubtful! Let's walk a Christ-like life so that our audience has some reason to want to imitate us. For without Christ as their Savior they have no reason to turn from their sin. Pointing it out as such leads only to bitterness towards the church which is seen as "stuck-up" and condemning. Let that be the work of the Holy Spirit on their soul; the one who washes, regenerates, and renews us (Titus 3:5). "And when he is come, he will reprove the world of sin, and of righteousness, and of judgment" (John 16:8). "For the natural man does not welcome what comes from God's Spirit, because it is foolishness to him; he is not able to know it since it is evaluated spiritually" (1 Corinthians 2:14).