Sensitivity

So, I believe that I am much more sensitive than a lot of people know. I was having a conversation with my brother yesterday when I had a small epiphany......... I don't like getting hurt, so I build a really tall wall around my heart with most people. In fact, I've determined this is probably why I am so sarcastic with people. When it starts getting 'real' I bail. If you've ever experienced this you might have noted this as a period of time where I'm distant, aloof, and generally not myself. Depending on the situation I may return to our old friendship, or I may never get over my disappointment. It happens all the time though; it seems if I'm friends with someone long enough there just comes a point where they get tired of my goofiness and snap at me, which in turn leads me to retract........... My brother gave me the solution though........... just leave......... which goes back to the statement I made in my previous post, isolation is not a solution.

But maybe I just need to really work on taking down my shields instead. Maybe I need to be more willing to open myself up to pain. I do well with physical pain, maybe I can handle more emotional pain as well. "Life is pain." (to quote on of my favorite movies, The Princess Bride). It is possible that opening oneself up to the possibility of pain is when we really get to grow. Otherwise we sit in a stagnant pool of our own filth just knocking on heaven's door......... We were not designed for comfort...... Our purpose is more complex than satisfying our earthly needs and desires.

One of the things I hate most is the loss of sensation associated with novicane............ but I've been leading my life with an emotional novicane drip............. WHY? The sarcasm shields need to come down, I need to burn, I need to have passion, rage, joy, tears............ I don't want to sit idly in my shit filled bathtub anymore. Bring on the criticism........... and dear Lord help me grow!

Regret

Each of us has our regrets. Life cannot be lived without mistakes. Not always do these mistakes qualify as regrets; in fact many mistakes teach us valuable lessons that help our lives improve, but this still leaves a modest few that make us really wish we had made different choices. Of course the past cannot be changed, so there is really no point in dwelling on our regrets, but this if often easier said than done. Sometimes the tiniest mistakes haunt us the most. For example, I put ice into a cooler full of hot tea and diluted it out so much that it was ruined for everyone, only to realize later that it was intended to be served hot........... It's not so much the mistake itself that bothers me, I wouldn't even think twice about it if someone else had made it, it's really the fact that I affected many people because I didn't fully think my actions through. Those are the things I regret the most, the actions that I make with unintended consequences for other people. I try to get through life with as little imposition to others as possible. It's funny, I realize the easiest way to do this would be to have as little interaction with others as possible, but then there are other issues with this........ I do not suggest seclusion as a solution to regret, that will just lead to different regrets. At this point, I think I just consider it important to think about our choices in respect to their possible impact on others before we make them.

White noise

Listen to the sound....
inside your head
Listen to the beat.....
within your chest
Listen to the voice....
that fills your soul
breathe
The ocean rolls, the waves crash, the rocks break
The tree bends, the leaves quake, the acorns fall
The birds chirp, the frogs croak, the dogs bark
SILENCE!

Be Still

Rush.....................
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STOP
Are you ready?
Ready for what? you say...
Ready to worship the God of the Universe!
The all deserving, ever present, object of our praise
Are you trying His patience?
What will it get you to gain the world if you miss the promise of His love?
Worldly possessions will not transfer to heaven
Why not start in on the joys of heaven while still on earth?
Forget the desires of men and fulfill the will of the Father
Then will your life have meaning and your actions prove eternal.

Peeling of the fibrin cast

Oh, how I have let you encompass me

Let you entoil my heart

Wherewith can I be removed?

Your invasion proceeds deep

As a barbed hook you penetrate

And you ask ‘Why this forlornity?’

How else should I proceed?

Whereby can I free myself?

It was brought upon myself

My shielding was waned low

My walls were broken down

I suffer you no fault

But I must now take it back

My heart must return to me and my God

I'm scared to witness!

Matthew 28:19-20 gives us the great commission: 'Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe everything I have commanded you. And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age.' So, I've got my instructions and I should be following them, except I'm AFRAID! I don't know how to start a conversation with people (not even a conversation that doesn't offend some people just by its very nature). And I know that God has told us in Matthew 10:19-20 'But when they deliver you up, take no thought how or what ye shall speak: for it shall be given you in that same hour what ye shall speak. For it is not ye that speak, but the Spirit of your Father which speaketh in you.' But I think, "I don't have enough scripture memorized and I can't recall the references if I do remember the words, and I get so flustered I can't even think straight." Funny that I have such issues in discussing certain things when those who know me well know that I can go on for hours talking about nothingness and fluff, cause I just love to talk. However, I realized that what I most generally talk about is things that I have heard others say lately, or that I have read lately, stuff that I find fascinating and want to share with others. Unless it's in the short term memory storage bank it's not easy access and I can't just whip it out with gusto. To access hard-filed memories takes time and effort, and makes conversations more difficult. So there's one rub, but God doesn't use that as an excuse. In fact, In Exodus 4:10 Moses tries to reason this way with God. 'But Moses replied to the Lord, "Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent-either in the past or recently or since You have been speaking to Your servant-because I am slow and hesitant in speech." But the Lord replied to Moses in Exodus 4:11-12 'The Lord said to him, "Who made the human mouth? Who makes him mute or deaf, seeing or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go! I will help you speak and I will teach you what to say."' So I should trust the Lord to give me the words, especially if I am going into a conversation with a humble and God-fearing heart, asking that I may serve His kingdom with my actions. So I think beyond this is the hurdle of overcoming my past experiences.
In the past, when confronting others who did not share my biblical views, I have attacked the person instead of the reasoning. I think this was largely due to a heart that wasn't right with God. I was challenging them because I believed they were wrong, not because I wanted to show them Truth. I think this is another contributor to my fear. How can I learn to give the gospel without attacking a person's character, and in a Christ-like manner. I know the answer is to pray, and then listen to the calling of the Spirit when He gives you those divine appointments, but it's still scary and it's kind of new and uncharted territory for me. But, I'm just going to have to have a little faith (the size of a mustard seed), like Peter did in Matthew 14:28-29 '"Lord, if it's You," Peter answered Him, "command me to come to You on the water." "Come!" He said. And climbing out of the boat, Peter started walking on the water and came toward Jesus.' And the thing is, I might start to sink, like Peter did, but Jesus will be there to pull me up out of the water too!

Perfectionism

So, as a first-born child I inherited the trait of perfectionism. Interestingly enough that often comes as a double-edged sword with depression. Since no one is perfect there is always this spiral downwards: 'you messed that up, why even bother, you can't do anything right,' etc. I've had these thoughts before, and I've gone through some periods in my life where I was very depressed, especially in high school. In the book I'm currently reading (The New Birth Order Book), Dr. Leman writes that, "Discouraged perfectionists are often stubborn, opinionated, and strong-willed types who become known for telling it like it is." And I think that fit me to a T when I entered undergrad. Man did I have some growing up to do! I alienated so many people in my first year at Penn State, and I am very sorry now for this behavior. However, I think that my time at Penn State broke some of my perfectionist behavior (though not all). Mostly I learned that it was ok not to be number 1. In high school my dad pushed me to be the top of my class, and that was not a bad thing. I was capable of achieving the goal, and the pursuit of excellence is a good thing. However, upon arriving at PSU I learned that it wasn't so easy to be the top of the class, and I kind of gave up trying. I hit an all time low when I achieved only one 'A' on my transcripts second semester second year. I was in the 'why even try?' mind-set. Then I realized that even if I wasn't going to be the top of my class I'd better learn the material and make my time and the money that others were spending on my education worth it. With this renewed resolve I pulled my GPA up substantially, but for the right reasons. I wasn't trying to be the best, I was trying to do my best. I think I've transferred the pursuit of excellence in the classroom, versus the pursuit of perfection, to vet school as well. I prefer 'As' but I'll settle for 'Bs' if necessary. The thing that I haven't gotten over yet is my 'telling it like it is.' Generally I push it off as sarcasm, but I really do think most of the things that come out of my mouth, whether I know they're ridiculous or not. So, that's what I've been working on lately, trying to be less sarcastic and really think about things before they come out of my mouth. I've been reading Proverbs too, and I'm really trying to be wise and have understanding. It's not gonna be easy and I can't do it by myself, but I keep praying and God will eventually get me straightened out.