Circles of frustration

Hell is a horrible place where the soul longs for relief, but where relief is never found. No one, knowing the reality of hell, would choose to go there. However, there are only two options when we inevitably leave this life and no human has, of them-self, ever been deserving of heaven. God plays God and we play man, such small pawns in this game of life, hardly worth the products used to make our sorry flesh. Vanish oh man, into the dust from whist you came. Who is man to say that the Justifier is unjust, so fair is He in all his ways, but yet the human mind longs for its own will, eagerly pawing toward its selfish goals. Where can man, who was created of the will of God, disappear? God the all-powerful holds all the chips. Man must willingly submit to an authority which brought him to life or be ever punished for his disobedience. Death is easy, but eternity awaits.

Blog stats

I was talking to my friend the other day and she was telling me about a girls who constantly checked how many views her blog had. I don't think I had ever looked at this information before because I don't write posts in order to become popular, but I thought it would be interesting to see anyway, so I took a screen shot so you could see as well.

People Pleaser

I looked through some of my old posts yesterday and made a realization. When I was a freshmen at Penn State I was a really depressed kid. I think I kind of forgot just how bad it was. My friend Christie reminds me every once in a while that she didn't think I was coming back after Christmas break, but of course I forget how serious I probably seemed since I did come back. I've never been a quitter, so I guess maybe in my mind I wanted to quit because I was miserable, but I don't think I ever accepted that as a something I would really be able to do. I've always been a people pleaser and I knew that dropping out wouldn't please anyone but myself. Sometimes I think that's why I'm still in vet school too, but I guess we all need something to drive us. I think that my brother Ian might be missing that certain driver, which is why he was able to drop out of college, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I think for me personally, it is important to have people holding me accountable to do something with my life. Of course it is important to choose the right people to please, but I've never really had a problem with the wrong type of peer pressure. I think the worst choices I've ever made were from listening to my cousins. They influenced me to swear and possibly my poorest decision in life, strip naked for a game of truth or dare. The scariest thing about that is, upon discussing that event with my cousin Caleb last summer, I realized that he still remembers exactly what I looked like. I've heard before that guys are very visual, but I didn't realize that they would keep a digital image in their head for all eternity. That realization made me even more aware that I need to keep my clothing modest so that I don't make good decisions harder to make for the guys around me. I think this paragraph has now gotten way off topic, so with that I will say, I believe I am now in a much better mental state than I was as a PSU freshman and I hope that I can continue to make strides toward better mental health.

Thoughts about Marie

So, I'm down here in FL, staying with my cousin Marie for the summer, which prompted me to try to remember everything I could about Marie. So, I was thinking back and I remember her old boyfriend Chase, I'm not sure how vividly, but I think I remember doing I Spy books with him. Then the next thing I remember is a Christmas party. Marie bought us Christmas presents and I remember I felt bad because we didn't get anything for her. However, she got me this bright blue shirt with Minnie Mouse on the front. Minnie had a big pink bow in her hair and yellow shoes. I also remember the first time I met her boyfriend Scott (now husband). He had long brown hair that hung down in little ringlets. I don't think I had ever seen a guy with hair that long before and I thought it was kind of strange. Eventually he cut it all off and gave it to locks of love (I think it was 32" stretched, though I can't be sure). He looked like a totally different person without the hair. So when they had a bridal shower for Marie I went, it was at Pat and Janelle's house. My mom got her a Betty Crocker cookbook and I remember thinking that was one of the best presents my mom had ever given someone because it was actually useful. I also learned that Scott has no middle name at the shower. I also went to the wedding, I remember there were ponds and Tenny Corbet was the minister (which I thought was strange because neither of them went to our church where he was the preacher). At the reception the first song they played was Love Shack, and I sat with my cousin Martha. I think they had cameras on all the tables to help capture the memories. Martha ordered her and I some kind of virgin drink from the bar and her mom got mad because we 'looked like we were drinking' and she took them away and threw them out, which was kind of upsetting, especially since I'm sure my mom wouldn't have made a big deal about it. I think Marlys was particularly upset because her older boys were taking advantage of the open bar, as well as some of my other cousins, and getting quite drunk and obnoxious, which she didn't like. (little did she know that her younger boys, that didn't come to the wedding, were taking advantage of the alcohol that Doc had at his house) So my next memory of Marie was at a baby shower, I think for Maggie. I sat with my mom, aunt Joy, and cousin Ruth. Ruth had a gray hair I made fun of, the lasagna was vegetarian (eew), and Joy got Marie a fabric sling type thing that could be used to carry the baby and breast feed more privately, etc. There were shower games and I think one was coming up with a phrase to go with a word and then seeing if they matched Marie's. I think my mom got the one for 'blue', 'blue swede shoes.' I also remember when Marie visited and Jonas was a baby. She got me an eeyore shirt and shorts, the shorts I still wear for pj's, though they're getting pretty tattered. They didn't stay very long, but Jonas took a nap on my bed with my eeyore pillow. The next time I saw them was in Canada when Jonas was learning to swim but was scared of the lake. I braided Maggie's hair and we played with frogs and took lots of pictures. In '09 I was in MT and Marie, Scott and the kids came to visit. Jonas loved Molly and Quilla. We went to lunch at the Butcher's Nook and I 'put Jonas upsidedown.' And now I'm here in Orlando watching kids during the day, so that's pretty much my thoughts on Marie.

So.... I can't sleep

So, I can't sleep, and I figured the best way to get drowsy is to write down all the crazy thoughts that have been racing through my mind down so that I don't feel the need to keep running them through over and over. First off, I thought I'd try running through the bible verses I'm trying to memorize this summer. Our Sunday school class is challenged with learning Hebrews 11. There are 40 verses and I think I have the first 8 down, so a fifth of the way there, yahoo! So, that didn't get me too tired and I decided that maybe I should pray, I never do that enough. Somewhere in Romans it says pray constantly, but lately I've been struggling to even want to talk to God at all. I'm worried, I know that we have only to believe that Christ has died for us to atone for our sins and we will be forgiven, and that fact I never really doubt, but in my human mind I struggle with so many other things. For one, how can anyone know that what they believe is true. Simply, there are so many small variations in Christian theology, and everyone believing that their interpretation is most correct, how close do we need to be to the truth in order to get to heaven? And then I think, I don't deserve heaven, and I don't want something I don't deserve (I know, don't throw someone's gift back at them, but that's just how my human mind works, I can't really change that). However, I don't want to go to hell either, so my mind naturally says, I wish I didn't exist (I know, again throwing back a gift of God). And then I blame my parents, why did they have to have sex! And then I blame God again, why did he have to create me! And then I think of suicide, but there again, I believe that to be a sin and very nearly unforgivable, so I'm mad at God again! So I think to myself, I don't ever want to have children, so they aren't forced to make good decisions and live for God in order to go to heaven, but then I think about God's word where he says that children are a blessing, so am I sinning further by not wanting kids? (this is not really an issue at this point since I don't have a husband, and thus any possibility of children) However, it's a struggle, and I suppose reading my bible would help, but that's just the last thing I want to do, and maybe that's Satan trying to sabotage my relationship with Jesus, but regardless the bible reading is not happening and there's no one pushing me to do it, so it's unlikely to change.

Ok, so most of that did not actually go through my mind earlier, rather, when I start to pray my mind tends to wander. I think it wanders quite frequently, but I notice it most when I try to pray because I start and then I end up on some completely different thought and never get to the amen, and then I think, wasn't I supposed to be praying? Anywho, next my mind went to Canada, we won't discuss how (that's too embarrassing to put out there for the world to read). So, I was thinking about my last trip there and remembering seeing Jon. I don't know if there's an earlier post about him, or how much detail I included, so I'll just summarize. When I was 13 I went to Canada with my family and my friend Heather. Jon was cute, and I was at that stage in life where I thought guys were cute, but still just wanted to be friends. So, (I don't know why I would do this, I certainly wouldn't do anything remotely like this now) I came down to the campfire on my first night there and started hitting Jon with a foam noodle (you know the one's you swim with). Then I started pretending that the noodle was a penis and teasing him that my penis was bigger than his. (???) So that was his first impression of me (I'm sure I would run the other way if someone acted like that the first time I met them). My cousin's Martha and Ruth were also in Canada that week. Martha was more Jon's age (he was 16), and Jon seemed to be into her, but not vice versa, and Ruth was into Jon, but he was definitively not reciprocating. So of course we teased Ruth for liking Jon, though I myself was doing much the same. So Jon had this shirt (I don't remember it, but Heather told me about it in discussing the events afterward), 'instant romeo, just add beer', and that just about summarized him. What I really remembered was this gold chain he wore, I don't remember how it broke, but it did and it was funny, he went out and bought a new one in the middle of the week. I remember making fun of him for wearing it, especially for feeling the need to replace it almost immediately. Actually, he was in a lawn chair in on the beach sunning himself while I was poking fun at the chain (which if I had any sense at all, and I didn't back then, would have been a sign). I actually think I was calling it a necklace and he a chain, because I thought it seemed kind of girly. So, other events of the week included continuing to pretend that the foam noodles were penises while we jumped off the docks, carrying Jon piggy back across the beach, which he didn't believe I could do, and playing king of the tube in the lake, where I tried to use the pocket's of Jon's swim trunks to climb up over him (I think it was just and excuse to touch him, a bunch of us kids were trying to pull ourselves to the top of an inter-tube and push off anyone else that was trying to get up). We also went to watch a movie and I was sitting next to Jon (and apparently very tired) and fell asleep with my head in his lap. Heather told me later that he didn't think I was sleeping, but rather had just laid my head there to watch the movie, however, I can tell you that I honestly just fell asleep, no designed plans. A group of us also went rock climbing one afternoon, and I was really hoping Jon would come, but he didn't, and I was disappointed. Looking back I can see that I was really infatuated with that boy. So, while we were there Heather kept telling me that she didn't like Jon, and I was so blinded by my infatuation that I started ignoring her very presence in hopes to spend more time with Jon and I started getting very annoyed with her. So the last night several of us kids decided to sleep on the beach. Martha started out on the big inter-tube and I think Jon wanted to join her, but she wanted none of that, so I told him he could sleep on the outside of my sleeping bag while I was sleeping inside (I was smaller back then, so there was actually room for this). So we lay there looking at the stars and talking. I don't remember what I said, probably just agreed with him, cause that's what you do when you're trying to impress. So what I do remember was that he talked a lot about old girlfriends, and I thought, what kind of guy talks to another girl about past girlfriends, and he also dissed on Heather, which I'm not proud to say I know I agreed with him. (This is probably why I was so mad at Heather on the car ride home, I think it was probably the lowest point in our friendship, though I'm not sure she knew this, I wasn't sure I wanted to be friends anymore. Hopefully I never let a guy do that to a friendship again.) I think there was also some hunting talk added in since he liked hunting and I did too. This reminds me that I had actually had a brief encounter with him the previous year when he and his dad were down to hunt with my uncle Pat and I had to stay the night so my aunt Janelle could drive me into school with my broken ankle (which brings up so many more memories that I'm not going to go into right now). I'm fairly sure we might of exchanged 'hi's' before we went to bed. So back to the story, at some point he had his hand on my stomach and was rubbing it, and I'm not sure why I didn't stop him, but I didn't. Actually I remember exactly what I was wearing, a black sleeveless shirt with a heart and two wings and the word angel written in the middle and these short purple nylon shorts with a white flower embroidery. The shirt was on the short side too, so I think he had his hand directly on my stomach (which was much flatter then, no guy would be feeling up my stomach now). Then out of the blue, at least it seemed to me, he asked if I would kiss him to which I replied, 'no that's disgusting', and turned away from him in my sleeping bag. After a minute or so I asked him why he had asked me that and he said that someday I would want to. Which leads me to my earlier revelation. This happened when I was 13 years old and I will be turning 23 this month, so it's coming up on 10 years ago, and it's still so vivid in my memory. The thought went through my mind that if I ever see him again I should ask him if he remembers that week at all, and another thought, why haven't I moved way past this. He was the first, and only guy thus far to ask me to kiss him. I wonder if he would find that interesting, that I've still never kissed a soul. And finally, what would have happened if I had kissed him, would that have been the only kiss I'd've had so far, would I be dwelling on a kiss, remembering that in detail? He was obviously a douche, so I made the right choice, but the fact that this is now a 10 year old memory just kind of smacked me in the face tonight.

There was another thought about all my memories of Marie that I intended to share, but I think I'm tired now and this is long enough, so I'm posting without proofing. G'night!