What is Marriage about? Why should one get married?

What one is looking for from a marriage is likely greatly affected by one’s worldview. I think a lot of people look to another person to fulfill them. Sooner or later they realize that that's not going to happen. Marriage relationships are designed to be mutually beneficial. If you are in a committed marriage you are working to support each other. If you are looking to be serviced by the other individual, you are going about it all wrong. People are incapable of producing satisfaction in another person. If you place your identity in that person you are bound to be disappointed. That's what people are doing though. And then they feel hurt and upset and take it out on the other person for not being able to fulfill them. That's what is happening.

Marriages teach you how to be less selfish, kids even more so. Going into a marriage with the expectation that it will solve some problem because you've felt empty- that's wrong. Men and women should stay single if they feel this way. Marriage should be a relationship that builds one another, that is full of mutual respect and a desire to improve each other, both spiritually and emotionally. That's why one’s identity can't be in one’s spouse, it has to be in Christ. Otherwise you’ll be disappointed when they fail to fulfill all your expectations. Marriage has to be about self sacrifice. If you wouldn't do everything for that person, well they are probably not the right person for you. And/or marriage is not sacred to you, and therefore you shouldn't enter into it.

For me marriage is a life-long commitment, through thick and thin, whether you love them that day or not. It is a relationship that needs continual nurturing and good communication. It is a sacred trust between two people. Hopefully marriage will mean having a best friend and wise council by my side, someone who I can share a pure and sacrificial love for. I'll point out that unconditional love cannot exist outside the Creator. He is the source of love, without Him love cannot exist. Ideally, this is why a marriage relationship founded on a true commitment to Christ is stronger than one outside Him. So, maybe marital love is conditional, but I'd at least want to trust someone to continue to love me enough to work through issues rather than get frustrated and walk away. I'd hope for someone who cared about the relationship not as just a contract between us, but as a contract made before the Creator Himself as well. I want to marry someone who understands what commitment is and sticks to high moral standards, even if the society around them is failing to do that.

I do have some ideals for what I would expect in a marriage: I think honesty and communication skills are highly important. A foundation in Christ (looking to Him instead of me for perfection- though I think it is very important to try to please your spouse where possible). Someone who is willing to work and not looking to sit around on the couch all day. However, it actually doesn't matter to me the level of salary they bring in. Someone who is willing to stay committed even when things get rough (LIFELONG commitment!). Someone who is willing to "leave and cleave", moving from their parental relationship to focus on the marital relationship.

One thing I do find myself questioning about a biblically founded relationship is the command: Do not be unequally yoked with a non-believer. Thinking about this critically, I think this is difficult to achieve. First, no matter how well you know another person you can never know their heart. You can only see as much as the person reveals to you. Sometimes people are very good at ‘living the life’ without a true heart conversion. I’ve known a lot of people like that, and I’ve been one of them. Therefore, there doesn’t seem like a way I can be sure of this command. I especially think this is true in young people- which the church seems to stress yoking together at a young age for fear of sexual immorality. I think it is just as immoral to enter a marriage on the pretense of avoiding sexual immorality, just to replace it with a hatred towards one’s spouse that eventually leads to divorce (possibly with children involved). Some level of spiritual maturity before entering a marriage is pertinent. However, what level of maturity is required to make a good strong relationship may be debatable.

I have also come across the argument that waiting until marriage to have sex may lead to an undesirable/ poor sex life. I think this is ridiculous. Good sex does take work- I'm sure of it, but in a committed relationship where you are both interested in pleasing the other person, I think you can develop a good sexual relationship with your spouse even if you waited until marriage. Sex is the topping on the cake, if you don't have a great relationship it doesn't matter how great the sex is, you still won't want to spend your life with that person.

Honestly, I think sleeping with a bunch of random people is an ethical dilemma. There is huge risk involved- from spreading disease, to having children you can’t/don’t want to support, to the emotional turmoil of loosing not just a friend, but someone who has shared your body. Biologically speaking women become very attached to sexual partners. When a woman sleeps with multiple men she begins to lose that strong connection. So, it is really of primarily negative value to sleep around before marriage with the argument that you need sexual compatibility to enter into a marriage.