Frustrations

Why is it that I always seem to start blog posts late at night when I want to be/ should be sleeping already? I'm really not sure I have an answer for that, but maybe it's because I get so frustrated by the day's events, or my inability to resolve an issue, that I just need to get it out before I can head off to sleep. Maybe it's something like the old saying among married couples that they should never go to sleep angry. Maybe that's where I am, but within my soul there is torment rather than betwixt soul mates. Lately I've been really angry. Not with anyone, but just a deep burning anger. I can't seem to quench it. It's like I know I have a problem and need to do something about it, but I don't want to; or maybe I just can't. Of course, I know that can't isn't really true (in my head), but it's like maybe I'm trying to wait until I feel such a deep anger that it will forever scar me.
I went on a walk tonight and tried to ask myself why I couldn't just change, and the answer that kept appearing was, I just don't care, I just don't care. And I ask myself why, and I don't know why. But I need to figure it out, this isn't going to work for much longer, I can't keep living this charade. People ask if I'm ok, but I don't want to talk about it, or want them to worry about me. I just want them to go on living their lives without my problems, so I tell them I'm fine, nod and smile and give them reassurance that they need not worry.
I worry it's because I have no love for others. I feel as though my life is just a sponge saturated with the love that I have acquired for myself. Oh my life is so selfish. It's like I have no other motivation in life than to gain another's satisfaction so that they will bestow their affection on  me; and when they loose interest I feel dejected and lonely. Why must every motive be to please me? Why can't I be satisfied with mutual reciprocity? Or better still, why can't I love others with no expectations of anything in return? A Christ-like love.......

Sensitivity

So, I believe that I am much more sensitive than a lot of people know. I was having a conversation with my brother yesterday when I had a small epiphany......... I don't like getting hurt, so I build a really tall wall around my heart with most people. In fact, I've determined this is probably why I am so sarcastic with people. When it starts getting 'real' I bail. If you've ever experienced this you might have noted this as a period of time where I'm distant, aloof, and generally not myself. Depending on the situation I may return to our old friendship, or I may never get over my disappointment. It happens all the time though; it seems if I'm friends with someone long enough there just comes a point where they get tired of my goofiness and snap at me, which in turn leads me to retract........... My brother gave me the solution though........... just leave......... which goes back to the statement I made in my previous post, isolation is not a solution.

But maybe I just need to really work on taking down my shields instead. Maybe I need to be more willing to open myself up to pain. I do well with physical pain, maybe I can handle more emotional pain as well. "Life is pain." (to quote on of my favorite movies, The Princess Bride). It is possible that opening oneself up to the possibility of pain is when we really get to grow. Otherwise we sit in a stagnant pool of our own filth just knocking on heaven's door......... We were not designed for comfort...... Our purpose is more complex than satisfying our earthly needs and desires.

One of the things I hate most is the loss of sensation associated with novicane............ but I've been leading my life with an emotional novicane drip............. WHY? The sarcasm shields need to come down, I need to burn, I need to have passion, rage, joy, tears............ I don't want to sit idly in my shit filled bathtub anymore. Bring on the criticism........... and dear Lord help me grow!

Regret

Each of us has our regrets. Life cannot be lived without mistakes. Not always do these mistakes qualify as regrets; in fact many mistakes teach us valuable lessons that help our lives improve, but this still leaves a modest few that make us really wish we had made different choices. Of course the past cannot be changed, so there is really no point in dwelling on our regrets, but this if often easier said than done. Sometimes the tiniest mistakes haunt us the most. For example, I put ice into a cooler full of hot tea and diluted it out so much that it was ruined for everyone, only to realize later that it was intended to be served hot........... It's not so much the mistake itself that bothers me, I wouldn't even think twice about it if someone else had made it, it's really the fact that I affected many people because I didn't fully think my actions through. Those are the things I regret the most, the actions that I make with unintended consequences for other people. I try to get through life with as little imposition to others as possible. It's funny, I realize the easiest way to do this would be to have as little interaction with others as possible, but then there are other issues with this........ I do not suggest seclusion as a solution to regret, that will just lead to different regrets. At this point, I think I just consider it important to think about our choices in respect to their possible impact on others before we make them.

White noise

Listen to the sound....
inside your head
Listen to the beat.....
within your chest
Listen to the voice....
that fills your soul
breathe
The ocean rolls, the waves crash, the rocks break
The tree bends, the leaves quake, the acorns fall
The birds chirp, the frogs croak, the dogs bark
SILENCE!

Be Still

Rush.....................
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STOP
Are you ready?
Ready for what? you say...
Ready to worship the God of the Universe!
The all deserving, ever present, object of our praise
Are you trying His patience?
What will it get you to gain the world if you miss the promise of His love?
Worldly possessions will not transfer to heaven
Why not start in on the joys of heaven while still on earth?
Forget the desires of men and fulfill the will of the Father
Then will your life have meaning and your actions prove eternal.

Peeling of the fibrin cast

Oh, how I have let you encompass me

Let you entoil my heart

Wherewith can I be removed?

Your invasion proceeds deep

As a barbed hook you penetrate

And you ask ‘Why this forlornity?’

How else should I proceed?

Whereby can I free myself?

It was brought upon myself

My shielding was waned low

My walls were broken down

I suffer you no fault

But I must now take it back

My heart must return to me and my God