I'm scared to witness!

Matthew 28:19-20 gives us the great commission: 'Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe everything I have commanded you. And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age.' So, I've got my instructions and I should be following them, except I'm AFRAID! I don't know how to start a conversation with people (not even a conversation that doesn't offend some people just by its very nature). And I know that God has told us in Matthew 10:19-20 'But when they deliver you up, take no thought how or what ye shall speak: for it shall be given you in that same hour what ye shall speak. For it is not ye that speak, but the Spirit of your Father which speaketh in you.' But I think, "I don't have enough scripture memorized and I can't recall the references if I do remember the words, and I get so flustered I can't even think straight." Funny that I have such issues in discussing certain things when those who know me well know that I can go on for hours talking about nothingness and fluff, cause I just love to talk. However, I realized that what I most generally talk about is things that I have heard others say lately, or that I have read lately, stuff that I find fascinating and want to share with others. Unless it's in the short term memory storage bank it's not easy access and I can't just whip it out with gusto. To access hard-filed memories takes time and effort, and makes conversations more difficult. So there's one rub, but God doesn't use that as an excuse. In fact, In Exodus 4:10 Moses tries to reason this way with God. 'But Moses replied to the Lord, "Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent-either in the past or recently or since You have been speaking to Your servant-because I am slow and hesitant in speech." But the Lord replied to Moses in Exodus 4:11-12 'The Lord said to him, "Who made the human mouth? Who makes him mute or deaf, seeing or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go! I will help you speak and I will teach you what to say."' So I should trust the Lord to give me the words, especially if I am going into a conversation with a humble and God-fearing heart, asking that I may serve His kingdom with my actions. So I think beyond this is the hurdle of overcoming my past experiences.
In the past, when confronting others who did not share my biblical views, I have attacked the person instead of the reasoning. I think this was largely due to a heart that wasn't right with God. I was challenging them because I believed they were wrong, not because I wanted to show them Truth. I think this is another contributor to my fear. How can I learn to give the gospel without attacking a person's character, and in a Christ-like manner. I know the answer is to pray, and then listen to the calling of the Spirit when He gives you those divine appointments, but it's still scary and it's kind of new and uncharted territory for me. But, I'm just going to have to have a little faith (the size of a mustard seed), like Peter did in Matthew 14:28-29 '"Lord, if it's You," Peter answered Him, "command me to come to You on the water." "Come!" He said. And climbing out of the boat, Peter started walking on the water and came toward Jesus.' And the thing is, I might start to sink, like Peter did, but Jesus will be there to pull me up out of the water too!

Perfectionism

So, as a first-born child I inherited the trait of perfectionism. Interestingly enough that often comes as a double-edged sword with depression. Since no one is perfect there is always this spiral downwards: 'you messed that up, why even bother, you can't do anything right,' etc. I've had these thoughts before, and I've gone through some periods in my life where I was very depressed, especially in high school. In the book I'm currently reading (The New Birth Order Book), Dr. Leman writes that, "Discouraged perfectionists are often stubborn, opinionated, and strong-willed types who become known for telling it like it is." And I think that fit me to a T when I entered undergrad. Man did I have some growing up to do! I alienated so many people in my first year at Penn State, and I am very sorry now for this behavior. However, I think that my time at Penn State broke some of my perfectionist behavior (though not all). Mostly I learned that it was ok not to be number 1. In high school my dad pushed me to be the top of my class, and that was not a bad thing. I was capable of achieving the goal, and the pursuit of excellence is a good thing. However, upon arriving at PSU I learned that it wasn't so easy to be the top of the class, and I kind of gave up trying. I hit an all time low when I achieved only one 'A' on my transcripts second semester second year. I was in the 'why even try?' mind-set. Then I realized that even if I wasn't going to be the top of my class I'd better learn the material and make my time and the money that others were spending on my education worth it. With this renewed resolve I pulled my GPA up substantially, but for the right reasons. I wasn't trying to be the best, I was trying to do my best. I think I've transferred the pursuit of excellence in the classroom, versus the pursuit of perfection, to vet school as well. I prefer 'As' but I'll settle for 'Bs' if necessary. The thing that I haven't gotten over yet is my 'telling it like it is.' Generally I push it off as sarcasm, but I really do think most of the things that come out of my mouth, whether I know they're ridiculous or not. So, that's what I've been working on lately, trying to be less sarcastic and really think about things before they come out of my mouth. I've been reading Proverbs too, and I'm really trying to be wise and have understanding. It's not gonna be easy and I can't do it by myself, but I keep praying and God will eventually get me straightened out.