God's Love and election

     Who does God love? Does he hate anyone? Can a Holy God hate? What does the bible say and how can we reconcile our viewpoints with an inspired, inerrant scripture? First and foremost, I take the position that scripture is the inspired and inerrant Word of God, that it is breathed out by the Holy Spirit and that God has preserved His Word for our teaching and edification. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 "All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work." I believe to discard the hard passages in scripture as figurative is to mischaracterize God (which is dangerous). God is all powerful, omniscient, and worthy of all praise and honor. We should strive to take His Word as the authority it is and avoid bringing our own preconceived notions and biases to our interpretation of scripture. I think a proper reverence for God is brought to light by not just overlooking places in scripture that are hard for us to handle.

    The  doctrine of election/predestination is hard, and yet it is scriptural, and while free will (in so much as we are able to choose to receive God's gift) is often viewed as an easier point of view, it is not biblical. We won't choose God, He elects us. Obviously we are able to make decisions for our lives, God does not control our every decision, but we are incapable of choosing God while an unrepentant sinner. Apart from God we are slaves to sin and our voluntary choices serve sin; we will never choose God. We are dead in sin, not just bound by sin, but literally dead spiritually. Dead men don't do anything, they can't. God must do all the work. A dead man is incapable of even receiving a gift. He must be made alive, and that is a result of God's work within a person's heart. From a human perspective we make that choice, but we only make that choice because God has already done a work in us. God uses the hearing of His word to effect that change in us, but He is doing all the work. It is only once we have been born again that God frees us from bondage to sin and we then have the freedom to choose righteousness.

    Romans 8:7-8 "The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God." So how then do we who are governed by flesh please God by accepting His gift? It's not something we will do on our own. Your heart is hard toward God before He begets a work in you. He must call you, and it's an effectual call, something that cannot be refused. Matthew 22:14 "For many are called, but few are chosen.” John 6:44a "No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him." John 6:39 "And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all those he has given me, but raise them up at the last day." And this is not to say that God doesn't call everyone to repentance. God wants His gospel message to be proclaimed to everyone, everywhere. But still, without God's choosing us, we will not turn to Him in repentance. First we must be unbound from our sin nature. Ephesians 1:4-5 "even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will." Romans 8:29-30 "For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified." Romans 9:11-13 "though they were not yet born and had done nothing either good or bad—in order that God's purpose of election might continue, not because of works but because of him who calls— she was told, “The older will serve the younger.” As it is written, “Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated.”

    And while we're on the subject, God does hate the wicked, not just sin, but the sinner. Psalm 5:5-6: "The arrogant cannot stand in your presence. You hate all who do wrong; you destroy those who tell lies. The bloodthirsty and deceitful you, Lord, detest." This describes the sinner, not just the sin. But the bible also says God loves everyone. John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." How can these passages be reconciled without distorting God's Word to meet our preconceived notions? Both of these passages are God breathed and true, but making sense of that can be hard. Clearly God does have a love for everyone, but it is not the same love He has for His children. God loves His creation, as a creator would, and His 'will of desire' is that all would be saved. As scripture says in Ezekiel 33:11 "Say to them, As I live, declares the Lord God, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but that the wicked turn from his way and live; turn back, turn back from your evil ways, for why will you die, O house of Israel?" But God still punishes the wicked because they are in opposition to His holiness. God is holy, it is part of His divine nature, it is immutable. God casts those who are not reconciled to Him into hell. Matthew 25:41 "Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels." In one sense they have earned this as the wages of their sin, but so has everyone. This is what I deserve, this is what you deserve, and this is what the whole world deserves as a result of their sin. So, since God loves everyone, why does anyone have to spend eternity in hell? Was I just slightly better than my neighbor because I  opened my eyes and chose Jesus? No, He opened my eyes and chose me. Which is to say, He chose to LOVE me. He hates sin, and could have left us all to perish, but he choose to save some. God COULD save the whole world if it were His will. God is completely Sovereign and can turn the heart of any sinner to repentance. Proverbs 21:1 "In the Lord’s hand the king’s heart is a stream of water that he channels toward all who please him." Do not think that God is incapable of saving everyone. So why doesn't He? Romans 9:14-18 "What shall we say then? Is there injustice on God's part? By no means! For he says to Moses, 'I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.' So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy. For the Scripture says to Pharaoh, 'For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I might show my power in you, and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.' So then he has mercy on whomever he wills, and he hardens whomever he wills." God is not just a gentleman who won't impose His will; He chooses some and rejects some because of His glory. The passage continues, Romans 9:22-23 " What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction, in order to make known the riches of his glory for vessels of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory." It is glorifying to God that the wicked be punished. And it is glorifying to God that His mercy be shown. Do not think you are doing God's character any favors by letting His love overshadow His holiness, both exist together.

    I think one of the strongest versus used to support the idea of free will is Romans 10:9-10 "If you declare with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved." But it is God who changes the heart, those who are dead in their trespasses and sins are not able to change their own hearts. Ephesians 2:1-5 "And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience—  among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved." YOU SEE, GOD MADE US ALIVE!

    Or another verse used to advocate free will is Revelation 3:20 "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me," But, this is not contrary to the doctrine of election which is clearly outlined in scripture. The only ones that will respond to Christ's voice are his elect. John 10:27-28 "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me: And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand." And this verse also supports the perseverance of the saints as Christ will not loose any of His sheep.  

    And this is the take away, God is a God of MERCY and GRACE through which He shows us His abundant love. The love of God is immeasurable and undeserved. It can't be earned because all of my works are like filthy rags before Him. Therefore I can focus on God, not on what I can do for Him or whether I am performing up to a standard, but just focus on what He has done for me because of His great LOVE. And to best understand how great that love really is I think it is important that it is understood alongside his justice and wrath, which highlights how unmerited it is.

The Disease

Recent weeks have been very difficult for me. While I have dealt with depression for the past 2 decades, I don't think I have ever experienced such hopelessness for the world around me. And while the thought of introducing children into this world has always seemed a little frightening, it now seems as though there is no hope at all. Why do I have no hope? Because I have seen in the last 2 weeks a populous that wants the government to be responsible for every aspect of their lives. People who are willing to give up the basic freedoms of going to church in the effort to 'save lives'. Power-hungry governors and mayors have decided which aspects of the economy they deem essential instead of providing information with which the populous can make informed decisions on how to live their lives. But make no doubt about it, it is what the people want. They want it because they have been indoctrinated into it. Government run schools have been propagating the reliance on the state for decades.
Economic collapse has already begun and the number of jobless claims has skyrocketed. This is not going to be a recession, but a true depression and anyone who went through the last depression will tell you that depressions kill. They kill small businesses, they kill the human spirit, and they cost REAL lives. Suicide rates will rise, homeless rates will rise, and uninsured people will increase. The amount of morbidity and mortality that will be the result of this foolish response will be felt for decades. My children will pay the costs of a $2 trillion dollar stimulus package that was essentially a bunch of pork. Especially since printing and handing out money that the government does not have in surplus will not result in a stimulus, but instead will end in inflation.
I know we're all scared, and I really don't take this virus lightly. There is a very real chance that I will never see my 87 year old grandmother with COPD again. I love her dearly and would be terribly saddened if she were to succumb to this. However, I don't think that her best chance of surviving this is having EVERYONE 'shelter in place.' Our best way to defeat this virus is to build up a herd immunity, and while vaccinations are in the works their efficacy and safety will be poorly assessed if they are released in a time frame in which they could help with the growing epidemic. Rather, natural immunity is the more likely way to produce a herd immunity. Those with chronic conditions and who are at high risk due to age should likely follow government recommendations and shelter in place. But those of us who are fit and healthy should live our lives, get the virus and help provide a defense for those who cannot afford to get sick. Yes, people will still die, but as one can see, even with these mandates, people are dying. This is a disease we cannot see. We are foolish to think that we can stop its spread with a couple months of self isolation. If just ONE person has the virus when we re-emerge from our shelters and there is no wall of immunity to protect us, then we will have to deal with the re-emergence, and will have just kicked the can further down the road while destroying our livelihoods.
I also get the idea of 'flattening the curve' and how this could be important in places overrun with the virus. However, the majority of those needing hospitalizations are those who should continue to 'shelter in place' while the rest of us return to our lives. Anything short of this will continue to devastate our future. Most people don't have two weeks of savings to live on, let alone 2 months. The insanity cannot be maintained. Stop letting the government run us into the ground. Their timeline just continues to extend further and further. We must not allow unconstitutional regulations to bind us. I think one of my favorite quotes is very apropos here: “America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we lose our freedoms it will be because we have destroyed ourselves from within” ~Abraham Lincoln

Manipulating God

I think sometimes we believe that we can manipulate God, or so our actions seem to indicate. Well, if we don’t like something He has commanded we can get away with it if we reinterpret a few choice words in the bible; or if we can convince enough of our friends of our viewpoint. Or we think if we pray a prayer of forgiveness that our actions won’t hurt us. We get what we want and then we are reconciled to God with no real consequence. The truth is that each of our sins does have real consequences. Not only does each sin require the death of Jesus on a crucifix in order to reconcile us to God, each sin has a consequence for us personally. Every time we choose to willingly disobey God it sears our conscience and skews our view of morality. Each time we disobey God we willingly walk away from the only one who loves us unconditionally. And rather than growing in fellowship with Christ we drive our lives into more discord and folly. God does not change in all of this, however. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. His will is accomplished through our sin or through our obedience. It’s only our lives that are the worse for the former. God will not be manipulated.

We can grow in knowledge, understanding, and faith when we look to fulfill God’s will in our lives. He works through the lives of His followers to produce fruit. But He will also bring about His will in spite of the evil that transpires in the world. Our understanding is so trivial amidst the backdrop of an eternal God who has infinite, unsearchable understanding. If we think God is limited in His capacity to accomplish anything we are foolish. God is to be feared, for He is all powerful and He will not be mocked. He turned Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt for simply looking back on Sodom and Gomorrah. He took the lives of Judah’s sons because they were immoral. He flooded the whole earth because there was only one righteous man who was seeking God. This is not a God who can be tricked. This is not a God who can be tamed. This is an all-powerful, mighty God whose wisdom and glory are to be praised. To lack a relationship with the God of all the earth is to miss out on the infinite beauty of His design. God did not have a flawed plan. He is not on the back-up plan. This has always been the plan. The view that God did not know that man would sin and had to alter his plan to save us is the same place where someone might arrive at the idea that they could trick God.

Here’s the rub. God is omniscient. He knows all your thoughts and deeds. You cannot do enough good to cover up the bad. You can’t manipulate God into thinking you are a better person than you are. He doesn’t love you because of who you are, He loves you because of who He is. He wants to bring you into relationship with Him so that you can understand that love, but He doesn’t need your help to do that. You have free will to walk away because He gave that to you. He won’t take that free will away because the intent of His design is unchanging and it allows for man to choose to sin. Don’t think for one minute that that means God is not in absolute control or does not have complete authority over all things. He has all the power, but He has chosen to extend us free will. Also beware believing that God does not see all sin as vile. There is no such thing as an acceptable sin. Just because God loves us despite our sin does not mean that He tolerates it. The ONLY reason we can be reconciled to God is that He sent His son to be the propitiation for our sin. We can’t manipulate Him into believing we are good. He knows all our sin, but it is cleansed by the blood of Jesus. You can’t manipulate God into giving you anything. He has already extended a free gift, and if you don’t accept it He won’t make you.

Accepting that gift isn’t as easy as saying a prayer and then walking away from the relationship either. You must be in fellowship with Christ to accept His saving grace. It doesn’t mean you will walk a perfectly sinless life, but it does mean that you will work to grow in relationship with Him. The bible is not something to be read for its highlights. We don’t get to pick and choose the parts we want to believe. If we want to walk in fellowship with Christ we’ve got to read it with an open heart and mind. Allowing the Holy Spirit to work in us and teach us as we study. Bringing our own worldview to the table is not helpful, it only hinders our interpretation of scripture as we try to prove our own viewpoints right. We can make any point we want, but if it’s not the view God holds it’s wrong. Therefore, even if we can convince ourselves that scripture will support a view, it does not change God’s view on that issue. We only hurt ourselves with such thinking. Therefore it is wise to take God at His word, being careful to neither add nor take away. This is the only way to live a life in pursuit of Christ. Otherwise we are looking to fulfill our own vain idols. So lest we risk becoming our own gods, let us not try to manipulate God, for He is unchangeable.

A God Focus

Lately I have been challenged by God to really focus on the character and nature of God. To draw close to Him because of who He is, because of His faithfulness in spite of my unfaithfulness, because of His goodness in spite of my wickedness, and because of His mercy when I should receive His wrath. It's funny, the bible is a book about God, and yet so often in reading and interpreting it, we make the message about fallen man, about what we should and shouldn't do, about how we should live so that we can be moral people, about how to turn our lives around so that we can be successful. We end up focusing on the faith of sinful men, and look to be more like them.

The prosperity gospel is pervasive in society. Whether it's material gains we desire or societal acceptance, when we read the bible in order to better ourselves we are reading it for the wrong reason. Yes, we will be 'better' people for following God's commands. Yes, we will improve our understanding of truth and how the world works. Yes, we may even build relationship with God. However, the whole purpose of the bible is relationship with God. The book is designed to reveal His character. How can one have relationship with someone you don't know? To build relationship with God is to study scripture. This is where we discover the nature of the Holy God. And if you've ever heard it said we become like those we spend time with, you will understand that in spending time with God you will become like Him. It is impossible to make yourself holy, but in spending time with the Holy God, one has no option but to become more holy. It's the natural response to dwelling in His presence.

So it's not up to us to become willfully better. Self-improvement on our own terms will lead to improvement in one area with increased failure in another. It is up to us to pursue God, the natural consequence of which is a better self. But don't expect that better means easy. God does not call us to a life without suffering. In fact, God often uses suffering in the lives of His people to keep us focused on Him. Consider the life of Joseph: God took him away from his family, into the land of Egypt, where he was alone and imprisoned. There God taught Joseph to rely on Him and Him alone. It wasn't the easy life, but it was better for Joseph to be with God in exile than without God in the land of promise.

So the idea is this: stop focusing on improving yourself, working by your own strength to overcome bad habits or depression. It is of no use. It is absolutely futile. You do not have enough strength or enough will. There is a false sense of security in maintaining power over your life. We feel as if we are capable of keeping our head above water. The truth is, every breath we take is granted by God. We can do nothing apart from His allowing us to do so.

The point is to focus on God, love God, trust God, understand the nature of God! If you truly have your focus on Him, other things (like your value) will fall into perspective because you will begin to see yourself, and everyone around you, as God sees. God is the source of love. Without Him there is no love. So if we are looking to love others or even ourselves without His presence we will fail. It will just be a shadow of a thing. God is not a shadow, and He doesn't want you to be satisfied with that. He wants us to experience true love and it is only found in true relationship with Him. We find this when we focus on Him instead of ourselves.

There is a spirit of pride in seeking to improve oneself or become righteous. And often we are blind to its existence. It's an easy trap to fall into. I find that it's easier to grasp the brokenness of one's fallen state when you are continually looking into the face of Jesus. In His light all my sins are exposed. But He loves me anyway. In that relationship I can learn to love myself and others in the way that God loves. Not loving my own virtues (which are non-existent), but loving the sanctified child of God that He is working in me to create.

Dating verses Singleness

There is a difference between being single and being intentionally single, but I’m not sure it would look much different in my life. All the time I have been single I have spent working out what a relationship that would be glorifying to Christ would look like. Additionally, I haven’t spent most of my adult years yearning for a relationship to fill me. I’ve known the importance of, and hopefully been working towards, a relationship in Christ that fills the longings of my soul. So, a dating/marital relationship would be more for companionship and pushing me more toward sanctification than anything else. I think one thing that may be challenging for me is actually allowing myself to let someone into my life. I’ve got no experience doing that on a romantic level, and so it’s probably something that I have some level of fear and anxiety about. I suppose I could work on that from a place of being single, but I also think that sometimes you have to risk getting hurt in order to grow. The problem is I don’t want that to lead to anyone else getting hurt- a catch 22 situation. Risk is inherent in any relationship, but there are some pretty big differences between friends and romantic relationships in what compromises can and should be made. Clear communication is important in both, but usually you can overlook a lot more in a friendship than in someone you plan to commit to for life.

Learning where to compromise and where to draw lines is important. Sometimes people are just going to walk away from conflict, and sometimes that is a good thing because it’s not constructive. However, I think we have a culture of 'I want it my way,' which leads to an unwillingness to engage on tough subjects. We’re not always going to agree with a significant other on all points, but that is where discussion and communication comes into play. The hyper individualism in our culture makes avoidance of this type of interaction more prevalent. Honestly, the blog I wrote on autologous man and the human view that we have authority over ourselves is pretty pertinent to this discussion. It's really a ridiculous stance and erodes moral values because there is no absolute source of morals if man is his own god. You can’t find absolute morals outside of God. But back to the discussion at hand…

A culture's view of sex affects communities and morality. A biblical view of sex is one that celebrates sex within the marriage covenant, but also warns of its grossly negative affects outside of that God ordained relationship. For Christians singleness is not something to be condemned, but celebrated in its own way. Recently I read an article entitled “The Gospel and Sex.” In it I found the line “There can be no more radical act than this [remaining single], as it is the clearest institutional expression that one’s future is not guaranteed by the family, but by the church.” That idea is super weighty, profound, and true. It made me think of what I was recently studying in Philemon with the youth pastor and other youth leaders. In the passage Paul appeals to a fellow Christian to welcome back his escaped slave as a brother in Christ, Paul seeing Onesimus as his own son. In the body of Christ we are to be true brothers and sisters, with even stronger bonds than one’s own blood relatives. We are all the children of God if we, by faith, accept Christ. In this new family there is eternal purpose. God has ordained marriage for important functions within the body of Christ, such as the training up of children in the way they should go. However, God’s purposes for our lives need to come first, even before a spouse.

I do have a pretty good idea of what I’d want from a marriage relationship (If you’re interested I wrote a blogpost on marriage that sums up my views based on a discussion I was having). For me I think it’s just a matter of breaking down some emotional walls that have developed. I’m not a super emotional person- I’m much more a logical/rational person- so developing emotional connection may be tough. At this point, significant displays of emotion scare me. I certainly would not limit God in His capacity to use any means to bring about His will, but I find building deep relationship is difficult for me. However, it's often the route that we least expect something to happen that God chooses to use. I was listening to a sermon in Genesis on the birth of Isaac. God choose to reveal to Abram that he would have a son who would be the child of promise. However, He did not initially reveal how He would bring about this miracle. Foolishly thinking that they could 'help' God, Sarai and Abram decided that they should use Sarai's servant to bring about this child. What an error. Anyway, this is to say that I really don't pretend to know through what means God may bring about a spouse for me, or if He even will. So, it's worth engaging opportunities, but I think caution is warranted.

There also needs to be some realization that not everyone is compatible. Like we all have different purposes in the body of Christ, we each have personalities that are drawn to certain qualities. Just because we develop an emotional connection to another person does not mean they are obligated to return the same level of affection. You will never find a perfect person in a spouse, but we should definitely not settle on someone we are less than taken with just because they will dote on us. This leads to an unequal stake in the relationship. Anger and resentment tend to be par for the course in those relationships, and it's totally unhealthy. Good marriage relationships should lead to sanctification of one another. If that is not occurring then the relationship does not have its foundation in Christ. It’s better to be unwed than wed to the wrong person. So if I don’t find a person who is seeking Christ first, and who is wholly devoted to Him, then I’d rather remain single and develop my personal relationship with Christ more on my own. Someone who distracts me from my focus on Christ is not someone I need in my life, no matter how much I may want companionship.

Saving Faith

I've struggled with what it means to know you are saved at times. What is it that the men of the Bible who were considered faithful possessed? What does it look like to have a saving faith? Looking at the patriarchs, they all had a faith in God's promise- even though they hadn't seen it, and the revelation was incomplete. They trusted God to be faithful. Our faith also needs to be in God's promise- though we have seen the fulfillment of that promise. However, it's not just belief that there is a God and He has sent His son as a sacrifice and atonement for our sins. It is a belief that He, and He alone is worthy of our worship and adoration. A belief that were were created for the purpose of glorifying God. A belief that we are totally reliant on Him for every breath we take. There has got to be an understanding of the God we acknowledge, not just a flimsy belief in something greater than ourselves.

I see a lot of people confess Christ with their lips and then go on trusting in their own power. I'm not saying that as Christians we won't have times where our faith wanes and we trust in our own understanding, but saving faith is a reliance on Christ. Just saying you believe in Christ or confessing Him during an alter call at 5 and then going about your life with no visible fruit is a big red flag to me that someone isn't saved and they are trusting in themselves. It's easy to have faith in one's self, it's far harder to trust in something outside yourself. However, God is absolutely faithful and He loves us even more than we can love ourselves. Therefore trusting Him isn't really a risk at all, but it's hard to give up control of your life.

I think the biggest evidence that someone it truly saved is a visible pursuit of God. Works do not produce faith, but they are certainly evidence of faith. If someone's life is not reflective of an understanding that God is the only thing worth pursuing, and that otherwise our lives are forfeit, then they really don't have a grasp on who God is. Relationships take time to grow and develop, so I wouldn't expect a child's faith to look anything like that of an 80 year old man who had walked with God from childhood. However, relationships require that we invest time and energy, they don't get stronger if we don't nurture them. And one sided relationships are not very strong. The more I read about God and His character, and grow in understanding of who He is, the more I realize my need for Him and my complete emptiness apart from Him.

Think about other relationships: If you trust another person with your life it is probably because you know them (and their character) well, and you expect that they will look out for your best interest. So, transfer that idea over to a relationship with God. You must know who He is, and what His character is in order to bring yourself to a place of trust. Only then will you believe that you should surrender your life to His will. Without spending time in His word and continued prayer one is unlikely to get to this place. Self-reliance is an easy default, but it is ultimately self-destructive.

I've started memorizing a verse this week: Isaiah 40:28 "Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable." The meat of this verse gives us a small glimpse at the nature of God, His unchanging and everlasting presence, His complete and utter understanding of all things -including our own feeble thoughts. That's the God I have FAITH in; it's the God I will choose to serve because He is deserving.

What is Marriage about? Why should one get married?

What one is looking for from a marriage is likely greatly affected by one’s worldview. I think a lot of people look to another person to fulfill them. Sooner or later they realize that that's not going to happen. Marriage relationships are designed to be mutually beneficial. If you are in a committed marriage you are working to support each other. If you are looking to be serviced by the other individual, you are going about it all wrong. People are incapable of producing satisfaction in another person. If you place your identity in that person you are bound to be disappointed. That's what people are doing though. And then they feel hurt and upset and take it out on the other person for not being able to fulfill them. That's what is happening.

Marriages teach you how to be less selfish, kids even more so. Going into a marriage with the expectation that it will solve some problem because you've felt empty- that's wrong. Men and women should stay single if they feel this way. Marriage should be a relationship that builds one another, that is full of mutual respect and a desire to improve each other, both spiritually and emotionally. That's why one’s identity can't be in one’s spouse, it has to be in Christ. Otherwise you’ll be disappointed when they fail to fulfill all your expectations. Marriage has to be about self sacrifice. If you wouldn't do everything for that person, well they are probably not the right person for you. And/or marriage is not sacred to you, and therefore you shouldn't enter into it.

For me marriage is a life-long commitment, through thick and thin, whether you love them that day or not. It is a relationship that needs continual nurturing and good communication. It is a sacred trust between two people. Hopefully marriage will mean having a best friend and wise council by my side, someone who I can share a pure and sacrificial love for. I'll point out that unconditional love cannot exist outside the Creator. He is the source of love, without Him love cannot exist. Ideally, this is why a marriage relationship founded on a true commitment to Christ is stronger than one outside Him. So, maybe marital love is conditional, but I'd at least want to trust someone to continue to love me enough to work through issues rather than get frustrated and walk away. I'd hope for someone who cared about the relationship not as just a contract between us, but as a contract made before the Creator Himself as well. I want to marry someone who understands what commitment is and sticks to high moral standards, even if the society around them is failing to do that.

I do have some ideals for what I would expect in a marriage: I think honesty and communication skills are highly important. A foundation in Christ (looking to Him instead of me for perfection- though I think it is very important to try to please your spouse where possible). Someone who is willing to work and not looking to sit around on the couch all day. However, it actually doesn't matter to me the level of salary they bring in. Someone who is willing to stay committed even when things get rough (LIFELONG commitment!). Someone who is willing to "leave and cleave", moving from their parental relationship to focus on the marital relationship.

One thing I do find myself questioning about a biblically founded relationship is the command: Do not be unequally yoked with a non-believer. Thinking about this critically, I think this is difficult to achieve. First, no matter how well you know another person you can never know their heart. You can only see as much as the person reveals to you. Sometimes people are very good at ‘living the life’ without a true heart conversion. I’ve known a lot of people like that, and I’ve been one of them. Therefore, there doesn’t seem like a way I can be sure of this command. I especially think this is true in young people- which the church seems to stress yoking together at a young age for fear of sexual immorality. I think it is just as immoral to enter a marriage on the pretense of avoiding sexual immorality, just to replace it with a hatred towards one’s spouse that eventually leads to divorce (possibly with children involved). Some level of spiritual maturity before entering a marriage is pertinent. However, what level of maturity is required to make a good strong relationship may be debatable.

I have also come across the argument that waiting until marriage to have sex may lead to an undesirable/ poor sex life. I think this is ridiculous. Good sex does take work- I'm sure of it, but in a committed relationship where you are both interested in pleasing the other person, I think you can develop a good sexual relationship with your spouse even if you waited until marriage. Sex is the topping on the cake, if you don't have a great relationship it doesn't matter how great the sex is, you still won't want to spend your life with that person.

Honestly, I think sleeping with a bunch of random people is an ethical dilemma. There is huge risk involved- from spreading disease, to having children you can’t/don’t want to support, to the emotional turmoil of loosing not just a friend, but someone who has shared your body. Biologically speaking women become very attached to sexual partners. When a woman sleeps with multiple men she begins to lose that strong connection. So, it is really of primarily negative value to sleep around before marriage with the argument that you need sexual compatibility to enter into a marriage.