Dating verses Singleness

There is a difference between being single and being intentionally single, but I’m not sure it would look much different in my life. All the time I have been single I have spent working out what a relationship that would be glorifying to Christ would look like. Additionally, I haven’t spent most of my adult years yearning for a relationship to fill me. I’ve known the importance of, and hopefully been working towards, a relationship in Christ that fills the longings of my soul. So, a dating/marital relationship would be more for companionship and pushing me more toward sanctification than anything else. I think one thing that may be challenging for me is actually allowing myself to let someone into my life. I’ve got no experience doing that on a romantic level, and so it’s probably something that I have some level of fear and anxiety about. I suppose I could work on that from a place of being single, but I also think that sometimes you have to risk getting hurt in order to grow. The problem is I don’t want that to lead to anyone else getting hurt- a catch 22 situation. Risk is inherent in any relationship, but there are some pretty big differences between friends and romantic relationships in what compromises can and should be made. Clear communication is important in both, but usually you can overlook a lot more in a friendship than in someone you plan to commit to for life.

Learning where to compromise and where to draw lines is important. Sometimes people are just going to walk away from conflict, and sometimes that is a good thing because it’s not constructive. However, I think we have a culture of 'I want it my way,' which leads to an unwillingness to engage on tough subjects. We’re not always going to agree with a significant other on all points, but that is where discussion and communication comes into play. The hyper individualism in our culture makes avoidance of this type of interaction more prevalent. Honestly, the blog I wrote on autologous man and the human view that we have authority over ourselves is pretty pertinent to this discussion. It's really a ridiculous stance and erodes moral values because there is no absolute source of morals if man is his own god. You can’t find absolute morals outside of God. But back to the discussion at hand…

A culture's view of sex affects communities and morality. A biblical view of sex is one that celebrates sex within the marriage covenant, but also warns of its grossly negative affects outside of that God ordained relationship. For Christians singleness is not something to be condemned, but celebrated in its own way. Recently I read an article entitled “The Gospel and Sex.” In it I found the line “There can be no more radical act than this [remaining single], as it is the clearest institutional expression that one’s future is not guaranteed by the family, but by the church.” That idea is super weighty, profound, and true. It made me think of what I was recently studying in Philemon with the youth pastor and other youth leaders. In the passage Paul appeals to a fellow Christian to welcome back his escaped slave as a brother in Christ, Paul seeing Onesimus as his own son. In the body of Christ we are to be true brothers and sisters, with even stronger bonds than one’s own blood relatives. We are all the children of God if we, by faith, accept Christ. In this new family there is eternal purpose. God has ordained marriage for important functions within the body of Christ, such as the training up of children in the way they should go. However, God’s purposes for our lives need to come first, even before a spouse.

I do have a pretty good idea of what I’d want from a marriage relationship (If you’re interested I wrote a blogpost on marriage that sums up my views based on a discussion I was having). For me I think it’s just a matter of breaking down some emotional walls that have developed. I’m not a super emotional person- I’m much more a logical/rational person- so developing emotional connection may be tough. At this point, significant displays of emotion scare me. I certainly would not limit God in His capacity to use any means to bring about His will, but I find building deep relationship is difficult for me. However, it's often the route that we least expect something to happen that God chooses to use. I was listening to a sermon in Genesis on the birth of Isaac. God choose to reveal to Abram that he would have a son who would be the child of promise. However, He did not initially reveal how He would bring about this miracle. Foolishly thinking that they could 'help' God, Sarai and Abram decided that they should use Sarai's servant to bring about this child. What an error. Anyway, this is to say that I really don't pretend to know through what means God may bring about a spouse for me, or if He even will. So, it's worth engaging opportunities, but I think caution is warranted.

There also needs to be some realization that not everyone is compatible. Like we all have different purposes in the body of Christ, we each have personalities that are drawn to certain qualities. Just because we develop an emotional connection to another person does not mean they are obligated to return the same level of affection. You will never find a perfect person in a spouse, but we should definitely not settle on someone we are less than taken with just because they will dote on us. This leads to an unequal stake in the relationship. Anger and resentment tend to be par for the course in those relationships, and it's totally unhealthy. Good marriage relationships should lead to sanctification of one another. If that is not occurring then the relationship does not have its foundation in Christ. It’s better to be unwed than wed to the wrong person. So if I don’t find a person who is seeking Christ first, and who is wholly devoted to Him, then I’d rather remain single and develop my personal relationship with Christ more on my own. Someone who distracts me from my focus on Christ is not someone I need in my life, no matter how much I may want companionship.