Wake up and grow

I've just had a small revelation, and haven't had the time to fully flush it out. In part, I realized that likely the biggest reason that I feel so inadequate (and therefore so unlikely) to share the gospel is because I haven't the understanding. As it is written "For when for the time ye ought to be teachers, ye have need that one teach you again which be the first principles of the oracles of God; and are become such as have need of milk, and not of strong meat" Heb 5:12. In order to get the understanding I must study. But studying proves to be a difficult task for me, for if I have no coming exam I am loath to study. However, I do like to share with others the knowledge that I spend time studying. (Ask my father, he knows I could talk one's ear off.) But the questions I may be likely asked are deep and profound, and require understanding to answer. Therefore, it will be no easy task to "Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth" (2 Tim 2:15) -something a friend lovingly suggested I try a few years ago. For as it is quoted by Miss Elizabeth in a movie I recently re-watched "I do not play this instrument so well as I would wish to, but I have always supposed that to be my own fault because I would not take the trouble of practicing." For can we blame God for our ignorance when it is in our power to unveil His truths? He has provided us with a foundation, if we only choose to build upon it.

I am chief among sinners

 I do not understand the propensity to sin

Its vain pleasures so fleeting

And its treasures so unrewarding, as to appear hollow and devoid

And yet they draw me nigh and entrap my very soul

What have I to gain by any such pleasures, and yet my will is weak

I cannot, and will not, be allowed to seek after the true fount of pleasure

I am distracted by the finite while the infinite rests not inches away

Where can I go to hide my shame?

With whom can I share my great burden?

How can I seek forgiveness for my vast and perverse sin?

Whose nature is not to be revealed for worry of disownment.

Or worse, for judging glances to be passed

For my sins are great and my virtues few

And those who know my virtues think them greater than they are, for I am a good prevaricator

And rather more, I spin my life as a farce, so that all may believe my deficits less genuine

But rather, that they would think them part of a horrid ruse

To think myself capable of such debauchery, I wish not

But to hide the truth from one’s own self, how deep the lie must go

Only turmoil can come of this

Returning to one’s innocence, the impossible, but soul felt desire

For something more could be made of a life, if just some aspiration could be manifest

And yet, no dreams are even on the horizon

A ship sailing to the edge of a cliff, with what more to give?

Only having ever stolen in one’s life, never to have given in genuine

Who can reverse the ways of a man?

Who can steer the ship aright?

In such desperation, can a man think straight to grab hold of the rock or set anchor?

Lest he go on sailing toward disaster

Of which one can be certain if the course remains unaltered.

Life offers little forgiveness, and the proud are unaccustomed to receive it

But this is their one chance for grace

A beacon calling them home, under the atonement of the shed blood of Christ

Life’s heavy blows are certain to persist, but easy is the burden when you share your yoke with Jesus

Thought

It's kind of neat, sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can recover. It's like a deep pool, if you are 2 feet off the bottom it takes a lot of effort to swim back up to the top to get a breath of air, but if you just sink down 2 more feet you have the solid bottom of the pool to push up against, and getting to the surface can be done with much more speed. It's kind of like this in life, we keep struggling to keep afloat ourselves, but if we just let go and sink down to a foundation in Jesus Christ He will lift us up and give us all the support we need.

Can I still go to heaven?

Lately God has been stressing the effects of depression in my life. Not only do I struggle with periods of depression from time to time, but a lot of Christians do, and there seems no outlet. Everything seems hopeless. Despair and overwhelming pain make me want to curl into a little ball. And while I know suicide isn't the right answer, at times it is very tempting. I mean, God says that the only unforgivable sin is blasphemy of the Holy Spirit, and suicide isn't that, so maybe there's a chance of heaven if I take that way out??? But then I hear God; He says "child, is my love not enough?" And I want to scream, "but You don't understand." But He does, He knows every temptation. And He's angry, angry that the church would let its members come to the point where they think suicide is the only option. You see, God is love. Yes, periods of suffering are expected in life, but the kind of suffering that brings you to suicide is not brought about from trials that are meant to refine us. I mean, here are some examples of how God views trials:

James 1:2 Count it all joy, my brothers,when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

1 Peter 1:6 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, 7 so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

So, if the end result of our struggle is suicide, can that temptation provide perfection and completeness, or result in praise, honor, and glory for Christ? There is obviously a lack of endurance here. So what I think God has been trying to reveal to me is that there's a pressure in the church that we've put upon our members to be perfect. Perfection, however, is not achievable here on earth. And yes, though God wishes us to be holy (Romans 12:1 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship; 1 Peter 1:15 but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, 16 since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”), it is not humanly possible to achieve on earth.

I think this struggle may be especially hard for some of us that grew up in the church. We never rebelled. We went to church every Sunday. We believed though, because our parents told us this was right. We never learned for ourselves what the grace of God truly meant. Yes, we know we sinned, but in comparison to the world they seem like little sins, 'acceptable sins.' And we would forgive someone for those sins, so why wouldn't God? So never having fully understood and accepted the grace of God with the massive gratitude we should have, we don't grow quickly. We're like the little calf on poor quality milk replacer, getting enough to survive, but unable to thrive, and grow, and strengthen. Sure, we make some gains here and there, but something vital is missing. However, we've grown up in this isolated world, and all our close friends and family expect us to be good little girls and boys because we've had so much time to grow in Christ. And we never measure up, especially in our own minds. We know the depths of the sin and depravity that we carry around in our hearts and we are unable to overcome the thoughts that we are inadequate, that we should be more. Everyone praises the outward appearance, because of course we are doing everything we can to show the world around us that we are fine. If they knew that we were struggling they wouldn't understand. They'd dismiss it with a wave of the hand or stroke of the tongue. "Well don't you know that God tells you this" or "don't say stuff like that." Well, you know what? I do know that God says that, and I'm probably telling you because I need some help, but obviously you don't want to take the time to understand.

It isn't easy. We were built for community, and when we don't have that, or feel like we have that, it's very discouraging. It seems that someone is always judging; and you know what, God didn't make us judges. Instead He calls us to have compassion one for another (1 Peter 3:8 Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. 9 Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing; Ephesians 4:32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.)

So if you're struggling with depression, don't continue to let it consume you from the inside out, keeping your outer defenses so strong that the battering rams can't make a dent. Find someone to share your struggles with and ask them for help. And if you see someone in need of help be compassionate, you don't need to be their judge. In fact, they probably have a worse view of themselves than they should already, and what they really need is grace. Let's stop trying to act like the statement "I'm a Christian" makes us perfect and holy, and try to make a better effort to be a church with compassion and tenderheartedness. In the words of Jesus, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her." (John 8:7b)

born to die or born to live?

came into this world, not a choice my own
made to bear the burdens of sin
filled with hate and evil pride
depression and fear consumed my mind
toils and snares along my way
where oh heart, will you find your stay?
falling down on the beaten path
trodden by men, eyes fixed on death
but kind eyes appeared, bringing joy and peace
a hand was reached down, my soul found relief
the Lord of the whole earth stooped down to whisper
I LOVE YOU, in all your sin and depravity, I LOVE YOU
where once I thought I was born to die, I now knew I was born to LIVE
live the life His will to fulfill
choose the life He wants for me!
Lord grow my love for YOU!

In response

In response to a question posed on facebook by my friend Jonathan:

Q:What gives a person value? More importantly, what is a proper basis from which to value another person? Fundamentally, why should I value you as a person? Am I more or less valuable than you? What criterion do you provide and apply to support your conclusion? I'm most interested in what people think.

Well Jonathan, this is what I concluded at 3 in the morning when I read your post, but decided against posting...

 

We all as God’s creation have value; unfortunately this does not directly translate to our importance to one another. We all have different needs, and with those needs we look to different sources for fulfillment. Where one person has great value in someone’s eyes, the same value cannot be found in them, as seen through the eyes of a different person. I think where I find myself assessing the most value to those around me is in those souls which I have found to be trustworthy, to keep confidences, and with whom I can share my burdens. Their value is inherently greater to me because I know I can count on them to be there for me when life is rough. These are the people that will stand by your side even when the waves are crashing over you and nothing seems to be going right. The people that have solid values and keep you on the moral path, who force you to think through your decisions, who challenge you to abstain from wicked thoughts and tendencies, and who truly appreciate YOUR value.